but of coure, they're part of you now....

Together Noriko we'll live through this sadness. I'll love you with all the madness in my soul. Someday girl I don't know when we're gonna get to that place. Where we really wanted to go and we'll walk in the sun. But till then tramps like us baby we were born to run.

a dream

i hadnt really noticed that i had started over. i guess it sort of slipped my mind. i got so caught up in the packing and catching my plane. it didnt really occur to me to say good bye to my life. maybe i hav made mistakes. maybe its too late for me to comethrought this without someone getting hurt, what makes me nervous is that it might not be me. i might hurt someone else. again... i dont want to think about it. i guess i wont. in other news, i keep breaking this computer. it keeps fucking up on me and doing things like turning all the text red, and making strange beeping noises as i type. theyre actually really annoying so ill make this short. i had a dream last night. i dreamt about him. about tanner. i dreamt that he was in boulder (well it wasnt really boulder) and that i just wanted to see him. and that i was getting in his way. and that i loved him and missed him and wanted to see him, and that to him i was just a stupid kid who couldnt get it right. he wanted to see me too i guess, but he couldnt afford to have me around. i was a liability because i got so emotional, because i was so naieve, becuase i didnt understand what it took to be a person like him and his freinds. i could never fit in with them, and in the end he went on without me. well no, thats not quite what happened. he told me that he could see me after 4:30, that if i could wait till then he could spare a mometn for me. so i got out of his way, and galavanted off with my own freinds and had adventures and an okay time and i didnt mind waiting because he had told me we would see each other so i just had a blast. and then i looked at my watch and it was 6:58. so i called him, but hew as gone. i hate you tanner. you didnt love me, you didnt need me and you didnt want me, but you just had to have me. and now im yours. and it means that i will never be at peace. you cost me so much every day. so much that i dont have. im going heart-broke here. and you dont give a shit. i wish you had left with whitney and skylar that one night last april. i wish you had just walked out the door and gone off and done drugs or gotten drunk and then fucked some girl who didnt love you that you didnt love. you would have been fine. meeting me didnt change you at all. it didnt do shit. but meeting you has ruined me. you fucking wrecked me.... how could you? how could you look at me like that and then just walk away. why did you chase me down and grab me and hold me tilli stopped crying. i would have been fine without you. but you just fucking had to come into my life. its not fair.....

i miss you

the sadness??

i dont know what you do when you have a particularly nasty strain of the common cold, but i blog. so there! or more to the ponit here: my tummy hurts. probably because im hungry, and i feel like someone is sanding the back of my throat everytime i yawn, and i yawn a lot because i was kept up all last night by nice little attacks of coughing. i woke up too late for a hot breakfast, and to be quite honest im a little affraid of the solidified oil onto pf the lettuce. ick.... also my emotions hurt. i think its prbably a good idea to never re-read your old blogs. i think that they probably just rip open your insides like a shotgun wound to the chest. sorry. im reading battle royal... everything i think has become pretty bloody and terrifying over the past two days. at least im almost done though. damn.. talk about an involving story. i mean really, what would you do, if you suddenly discovered that you had to kill the group that you had been seeing everyday for 2 and a half years? i got really upset reading it last night. when those two kids go over the cliff. i was so jealous, but at the same time it made me happy. made me think that maybe i havent found true love yet, i mean... those kids. they couldnt live without each other right? so they died together. well tanner is gone. and im still here. doesnt that mean that he isnt the one? wow... my host mother bought a new denshi jishou... that means taht we have 3 ex words in the house right now. i wonder if when i go back to the sates shell give me her old one. i kinda want one.... not that the one she has helps or anything. when you go from english to japanese it just gives you kanji... that no good to me. not yet anyways. sigh. i guess ill ahve some tea and do some reading. maybe drink a sot of whiskey. you know what they say: whiskey makes you well when your sick, but whikey when youre well makes you sick. or maybe its only my dad that says that. either way, sounds like sound advice. stevo is writing a depressing book. ill post it here in a minute. i helped out a bit, see if you can pick out which lines are mine:




The sadness of waking up alone.
The sadness of waking up with the wrong person.
the sadness of waking up wiht the right person and knowing they'll be gone.
The sadness of waking up.
The sadness of saying good morning when you really wish no one a good morning.
The sadness of a sore throut but smoking a cigarette anyway.
The sadness of not having a god to pray to at night.
The sadness of praying to a god that isn't there, or doesn't care.
The sadness of talking to friends you know you can't see.
The sadness of seeing someone doing something you know you can never do.
The sadness of laughing when nothings funny.
The sadness of decieving someone into thinking you want them to be happy.
The sadness of making someone happy, but still being sad youself.
The sadness of what could of been.
The sadness of what is.
The sadness of losing what you have.
The sadness of nothing changing.
The sadness of not knowing why your sad...
the sadness of being loved by someone you dont love
the sadness of loving someone who doesnt love you
the sadness of not knowing love
the sadness of knowing love too well
the sadness of remembering the past
he sadness of fearing the future
the sadness of hearing a favorite song too many times
the sadness of waking up late and having to eat a cold breakfast
the sadness of getting minutes on your phone and having no one to call
the sadness of having someone to call but no minutes on your phone
the sadness of finding out that a dvd is horribly scratched 5 minutes before the climax
the sadness of having a sore fucking throat!
the sadness of not being able to smell the rain
the sadness of doubting yourself
the sadness of being unrightfully arrogent
the sadness of hearing someone you hate say something you were about to say
the sadness of finishing a book
the sadness of never finishing a book
the sadness of seeing someone beautiful
the sandess of seeing someone not as beautiful as you
the sadness of seeing something better then what you have.
the sadness of losing what you have thinking you will get something better
the sadness of giving in
the sadness of standing your ground
the sadness of never knowing
the sadness of knowing all too well.
The sadness of being born too late
the sadness of not having enough time
the sadness of having all the time in the world
the sadness of not being sad when you know you should be
the sadness of temperary releaf
the sadness of a lack of education
the sadness of not caring enough
the sadness of pointless days
the sadness of dwelling on whats so sad
the sadness of never getting that phone call.
the sadness of not knowing if you should call
the sadness of uncertenty
the sadness of not knowning when to stop
the sadness of knowing that you should of stoped a long time ago.
the sadness of not knowing if you you can ever stop
the sadness of obligations
the sadness of having nothing to do
the sadness of seeing love but not having it
the sadness of knowing love, but not seeing it
the sadness of a full stomich
the sadness of an empty stomich
the sadness of knowing someone else is sad
the sadness of knowing you made someone sad/mad
the sadness of never being able to see your favorite band
the sadness of someone you dont like likeing something you like
the sadness of someone you like not liking something you like
the sadness of having nothing in common
the sadness of not knowing what to say
the sadness of knowing what to say but not being able to say it
the sadness of wasting away
the sadness of knowing I will be dead someday
the sadness of knowing everyone I know will be dead someday
the sadness of being angry about nothing important
the sadness of someone pointing out your flaws
the sadness of not seeing your flaws till its too late
the sadness of knowing your flaws and having no control over it
the sadness of being late to work
the sadness of leaving early from work
the sandess of not being able to leave work
the sadness of being inside on a beautiful day
the sadness of not knowing where to go
the sadness of seeing someone who knows where they are going while you are lost and all you want to do is ask them to take you with them but that isn't something that people do, which goes into
the sadness of not knowing why people do the things they do
the sadness of knowing exactly what someone is doing
the sadness of not understanding why I can't just say hello
the sadness of confusion the sadness of plagerism
the sadness of sarcasim
the sadness of having a cold
the sadness of being able to think of endless amounts of things that make you sad.

lets see, ill throw in a few more, for the road

the sadness of getting to know someone only to find that you dont like them
the sadness of never getting to know someone you like.
the sadness of spending food money on beer
the sadness of having to spend beer money on food
the sadness of not calling
the sadness of not being called
the sadness of being jealous of something you dont really want
the sadness of realizing you made a mistake
the sadness of not realizing you made a mistake
the sadness of not beng able to help your best friend
the sadness of not being able to help yoru self
the sadness of being to proud to admit youre lonely
the sadness of being to lonely to be proud
the sadness of oversteeping your goddamn tea
the sadness of sleeping on your pierced ear and waking up smeared in blood
the sadness of forgetting what movie you wanted the second you get to the store
the sadness of running out of butter half way across the slice of toast
the sadness of thinking you need something that you only want
the sadness of thinking you only want something that you really need
the sadness of knowing sex without love
the sadness of knowing love without sex
the sadness of making a bad decision for a good reason
the sadness of making a good decision for a bad reason
the sadness of seeing something beautiful all by yourself
the sadenss of not being able to afford dank curry....
the sadness of having to ride your bike in the rain
the sadness of wanting to walk in the rain when its sunny
the sadness of wanting to play in the sun when its raining
the sadness of waking up and not being able to fal back to sleep
the sadness of watching your favortie movie so many times that its not your favorite anymore

update

heres to a year. a year gone and a heart not yet healed. i wonder if when i wrote thats last blog i had any idea that i could survive this long still loving that one mistake. i would tell you that im in japan now. but if your june or nathan you already know that, and no one else knows this blog. i suppose i should mention that im actually watching a show about tigers on japanese cable at the moment so i am a bit distracted and my blog-worthy angst had diminished significantly since i sat down to wrtie this. what can i say, tigers are super cute. unlike me.... i wonder when i got to be so ashamed of being emo? i used to be proud of a really depressing blog, i used to read over them and think things like : "damn! i sure can write when im upset" now i feel like i should appologize in advance for being depressed, i fell lke i should be warning you that this blog has to do with me being upset and all that and then crack a joke about being lame and emotional.... sigh. this is a blog! i mean, for christs sake. i dont even know if june or nathan read this anymore... its been more than a year since i last wrote and i shouldnt care anyways.. you two, if youre tuning in are my two closest freinds. .. sigh... and june. you need to hold your horses.. or i gess ill update later since youre giving me a hard time about writing this. okay june. im done, we can go.

to be continued....

June keeps asking why i don't update. i guess its maybe because i haven't really had anything to feel bad about recently. or well, no.. thats not true either. but what i have been is a different kind of bad. i have been confused, and annoyed, and angry, and frustrated, and dissapointed in others. but now im finally back to the type of bad theat provokes the updating of blogs: lonely, desperate, and dissapointed in me. I shouldn't be in this situation. if i were a decent person i wouldn't be where i am right now. i wouldn't be sad about being lonely... i probably wouldn't even have broken up with stevo... thats so strange. the last post i wrote i was desperately in like with him. ...desperately. thats a word i wish i could never use when describing my situations. i hate to be desperate. desperation hurts. like hope, and longing, and dissapointment. its strange i still don't feel like i can talk to anyone about why im so sad. i could try. but i know that im being retarded. like i said. if i were a decent person i wouldn't feel like this. i wouldn't want my phone to ring. it would have no reason to because i wouldn't have called him to begin with. if i were a decent person i wouldn't have waited up till 2:00 because he said he would call back. he wouldn't have been able to call back because if i were a decent person i wouldn't have called him in the first place. if i were a decent person i wouldn't have suffered these past 3 nights waiting to get the chance to be alone with him. and now im telling my story. on accident. because i can't keep it to myself anymore. im sorry june and nathan, that i don't feel like i can tell all this to you. but i can't you don't seem like you would understand. and you also have so much shit in your own lives. so many reasons to be sad that are far more legitimate than mine. i want someone i shouldn't want. and i shouldn't even want him. its just wrong. i just left stevo. did i leave stevo for him? maybe... at this point i cant tell. but regardless of whether or not i did... nothing will ever happen between him and me. you were right june. you said i would get let down. and i did. and i can't give up. because i can't and you know how that feels. of course. you're in love with alex. you love him. you've loved him for almost a year. you've known him for even longer than that. you are justified. im just retarded. im wasting my time. and my emotions. and your time as you read this. but it doesn't really matter to me right now. because i feel like shit. and i can't cry because i have taught myself not to. i tried to earlier. as i was watching the clock on my phone tick away the time. but i couldn't tears wouldn't come. maybe i could cry if i wasn't so fucking lame. if i didn't like him. if i didn't want to see him. if i had some good, real reason to be sad. Mr. Vaca was talking about how god punishes people who live badly with suffering. it was funny when he said it, but was it right? seems like it. like im being punished because i suck so much. you talk about how much you hate your self and how you have such low fucking self esteem and all that. me too. i hate me. especially over these past few weeks. and as much as i want everyone to like me... i don't want them to at the same time. i want to be right about being an asshole. i want people to treat me like the person that i am. and yet at the same time i wish that i didn't have to feel like shit about this. although i would anyway because im so pathetic when it comes to guys. but i wish that the half of me that agreed with society could do so without loathing the half of me that feels this way. have you ever heard that expression: the candle that burns twice as bright burns twice as fast? thats how it seems to be with me and attraction. and damn... do i burn bright. and then i burn out. thats what happened with stevo i think. thats why i shouldn't date. because that will always happen. and what happens if im right about the always part. what if i can never fall in love. why isn't liking someone more than i can bear fun anymore. why i can't i tell all my girlfreinds about him and have us all laugh about it over lunch... i guess thats what kids do.. or preteens. and they aren't anymore. everyone is growing up. everyone is being serious... falling in love, finding futures to live for. and im being left behind. im the most immature one for once. or maybe ive always been and i just didn't know. has the world been humoring me? am i a big joke? i could be.. i haven't had a firm grasp on the world in a long time. it could be. *sigh* i have to go wash the dye out of my hair. or tommorow i won't have any... or something.

in other news

[00:55] PrecociousTease: does stevo have a girlfreind?
[00:55] mmb17ch3z: yeah he does
[00:55] PrecociousTease: thought so

norweigan wood rolls onto the radio, soft and static and fitting.
I hadn’t thought so.
It hadn’t even occurred to me.
But now that its there…. On paper in front of me, it doesn’t seem possible that I didn’t know it.
How could he not?
I mean… he’s stevo.
And I’m just kira
And to the world, that’s worth about as much as a single slip of camel cash…. 1/1000 of a cent.
I guess I really am done now… done with sole and smoking and drinking coffee
And hoping to have that one dream come to fruition
Heh. I think I really am designed to be alone.
I wonder how long he has had a girlfriend… I wonder if I had a chance and just missed it…
But I guess that’s wishful thinking all over again.
It’s hard to say what’s worse, having blown my chance or never having had one.
When it comes down to it, I’m really not worth the energy it takes to get to know me.
I have no right to get sad about this one. I never said anything.
I tried my damndest to hide the buzz I got when he was around
I don’t get to cry, it’s not like I gave him the chance to reject me.
Maybe now I can get over it.
Just oragel for the heart…
Fucking heart
Too bad feelings don’t actually come from your heart, or any other physical part of you…
If they did I could just cut that part out
Amputate my emotions
And be free

The only real freedom is to be completely and entirely alone
Im so nearly free.

i don't want your advice. i don't want you to tell me ways that i can fix it. fixing it isn't important. it doesn't matter.

today was a confidence faliure day. i felt stupid... and tired, even though i slept. i felt excluded... ignored, alienated. not like myself. i realized that i don't go to school with my freinds.

fucking house... no walls. i hate it when people know that im crying. i feel like i need someone to talk to. someone with a nice warm shoulder i can cry on. i need someone to be there for me, and im all alone. i can keep doing fun stuff and having a good time, but it doens't change anything.. im purley and fundamentally alone. who cares about me? my parents, but they don't get it... they understand me about as much as the understand the part of the instruction manual thats written in korean, julie... whom i haven't seen in months and probably won't see for several months more.... whoelse...? my cat? he cares... but thats not what i need.... alll he can do is pur reassuringly, but that in its self is depressing because i have no one to turn to but my feline companion. does anyone else care? like nathan? june? i know june cares... but i can't cry to her. she has enough shit in her own life. and Nathan has vanished, as is his way..... lot of good all my freinds do me. they're just a crowd. i feel like a drop of oil in a pitcher of water... i just don't mix... theres nothing that i can connect with, or latch onto. just a million molecules shutting me out. and im tired of waiting to find someone i can turn to, and im tired of having friends who aren't freinds and im tired of drifting away from the people i love and im fucking tired of being alone. i just don't know how to deal with it. sometimes i can forget about it, and just have a good time. but thats not enough. theres something missing and im tired of wishing i could find it.
im tired of having expectations and being dissapointed. Im sick of getting ashed on by the world.
i don't want to feel lonely anymore, or ugly or self concious or mean or unwelcome or not good enough, but thats all that i feel... and i ahve no one to tell about it. 23 of my buddies are online... and there is no one to tell.... i have 117 names in my cell phone adress book... and there is no one i can call and be rescued by..... my dad just offered me some icecream... cause he doesnt know what to do about the fact that im crying... but that would just be too cliche. crying over a pint of icecream. i hate that im crying at all..... people look disgusting when they cry... their noses and eyes get all red and their foreheads scrnch up and their mouths contort into an ugly twisted half smile... i hate the way i look when i cry...... i hate this.....

someone please find me,
someone please ask me if im okay... so that i can tell you no
someone please care about me