of course it's easy

everytime no one catches you, and you just drop like a rock.....
you break a little worse.
when you get up from a hard fall like that,
you get harder... building towards an unbreakable shell.
it's retarded if all i've gained from this... enlightening experience is another layer of stone around my wall.
i really thought i was ready to move on from all that crap.
everyone i talked to told me to rebuild... well actually tony said to 'repair'
either way, it seems like the world is fond of my walls, so i toil on.
i'm thinking maybe i'm gonna leave out the windows when i build it this time
that way i won't have to look at all the cool shit im missing by shutting my self up inside me.
it makes me wonder, did anyone really know me at all?
really?
i mean... there's one who does, she still does, maybe even two... but the rest of you
you only know what you have seen, and you have only seen what i have showed you.... how could you possibly understand that there's a monster behind the mask.
oh well, i suppose the next task to be undertook will be to peel away the mask.
all i need to do is forget that there is a world out there.
easy right?
i mean, it's so simple to just forget everything you've ever seen or been told and act on the basis of something you know to be false.
of course it's easy.
fucking piece of cake, just like rebuilding your entire identity from the ground up.
i'll just do it, simple as that.
thanks for the great fucking advice.
it was so damn helpfull, and really very comforting...

but it's fucking lame for me to get mad at you .
it was fucking lame for me to have even mentioned how you crushed my confidence and triggered this landslide of self loathing.
in fact, it seems that me telling you anything about how i feel is lame.
granted, that i shouldn't come first all the time, but now i don't feel like i can come at all.
that's okay. you want to be freinds, and i want to be freinds
the problem is that neither of us like the person that the other has become...
when you're around we have great times playing video games and making fun of the world,
but whenever i talk to you online i.e. not face to face, i am amazed that i can tollerate you.
maybe im reverting back to my old ways of thinking... where i refuse to admit that the fault is with me....
but i'm almost positive now that it's with you too.
thats not to say that i'm some fucking angel, in fact, i don't think anyone has painted an uglier or more accurate picture of me than you did,
but i'm thinking that it takes two people to have an argument... and maybe we're both ugly assholes.
maybe what i admired in you was your contempt for the world you aren't a part of.... the 'me' in you.

how arrogant, to admire myself in someone else.
oh well. all my arrogance is gone now, difused into the atmosphere when my ego got punctured.
i've lost all my trusting affection of the unknow.
well no... i still love the world, i still belive in magic and take comfort in it's beauty, i trust that there are beautiful places in the world, and that maybe if i believe i will see them. i still believe in fucking faeries
it's the people in this beautiful world that i have lost faith in.
thats a sad thing for me to admit.
i have always been proud of my undeterrable hope.
a hope that is now cracked, if not entirely shattered.
At least some good has come of this.
i don't like stevo anymore
and i can't even picture myself with tony.
but i don't see myself as alone either, maybe there is someone out there for me.
i will probably never meet him, but i don't suppose that really matters.
i am done looking for a relationship... or even a new freindship.
i don't trust anyone to like the person i want to become.
i am not the kind of girl that guys line up to date.
i have always known that, but a part of me always figured that the right kind of guy would start a line of his own or something.
well there isn't a guy that doesn't mind
not here, and probably not anywhere, so why get my hopes up.

i am sick of being let down, mostly by myslef. i mean, i expect no less from everyone else, but in the past at least i could count on me.
ugh... i can feel my shell hardening.... this should last a while.

It's funny how bad things can get in a couple of days, how much a person can change....
i wonder what hell will feel like tommorow