of course it's easy

everytime no one catches you, and you just drop like a rock.....
you break a little worse.
when you get up from a hard fall like that,
you get harder... building towards an unbreakable shell.
it's retarded if all i've gained from this... enlightening experience is another layer of stone around my wall.
i really thought i was ready to move on from all that crap.
everyone i talked to told me to rebuild... well actually tony said to 'repair'
either way, it seems like the world is fond of my walls, so i toil on.
i'm thinking maybe i'm gonna leave out the windows when i build it this time
that way i won't have to look at all the cool shit im missing by shutting my self up inside me.
it makes me wonder, did anyone really know me at all?
really?
i mean... there's one who does, she still does, maybe even two... but the rest of you
you only know what you have seen, and you have only seen what i have showed you.... how could you possibly understand that there's a monster behind the mask.
oh well, i suppose the next task to be undertook will be to peel away the mask.
all i need to do is forget that there is a world out there.
easy right?
i mean, it's so simple to just forget everything you've ever seen or been told and act on the basis of something you know to be false.
of course it's easy.
fucking piece of cake, just like rebuilding your entire identity from the ground up.
i'll just do it, simple as that.
thanks for the great fucking advice.
it was so damn helpfull, and really very comforting...

but it's fucking lame for me to get mad at you .
it was fucking lame for me to have even mentioned how you crushed my confidence and triggered this landslide of self loathing.
in fact, it seems that me telling you anything about how i feel is lame.
granted, that i shouldn't come first all the time, but now i don't feel like i can come at all.
that's okay. you want to be freinds, and i want to be freinds
the problem is that neither of us like the person that the other has become...
when you're around we have great times playing video games and making fun of the world,
but whenever i talk to you online i.e. not face to face, i am amazed that i can tollerate you.
maybe im reverting back to my old ways of thinking... where i refuse to admit that the fault is with me....
but i'm almost positive now that it's with you too.
thats not to say that i'm some fucking angel, in fact, i don't think anyone has painted an uglier or more accurate picture of me than you did,
but i'm thinking that it takes two people to have an argument... and maybe we're both ugly assholes.
maybe what i admired in you was your contempt for the world you aren't a part of.... the 'me' in you.

how arrogant, to admire myself in someone else.
oh well. all my arrogance is gone now, difused into the atmosphere when my ego got punctured.
i've lost all my trusting affection of the unknow.
well no... i still love the world, i still belive in magic and take comfort in it's beauty, i trust that there are beautiful places in the world, and that maybe if i believe i will see them. i still believe in fucking faeries
it's the people in this beautiful world that i have lost faith in.
thats a sad thing for me to admit.
i have always been proud of my undeterrable hope.
a hope that is now cracked, if not entirely shattered.
At least some good has come of this.
i don't like stevo anymore
and i can't even picture myself with tony.
but i don't see myself as alone either, maybe there is someone out there for me.
i will probably never meet him, but i don't suppose that really matters.
i am done looking for a relationship... or even a new freindship.
i don't trust anyone to like the person i want to become.
i am not the kind of girl that guys line up to date.
i have always known that, but a part of me always figured that the right kind of guy would start a line of his own or something.
well there isn't a guy that doesn't mind
not here, and probably not anywhere, so why get my hopes up.

i am sick of being let down, mostly by myslef. i mean, i expect no less from everyone else, but in the past at least i could count on me.
ugh... i can feel my shell hardening.... this should last a while.

It's funny how bad things can get in a couple of days, how much a person can change....
i wonder what hell will feel like tommorow

i want:

to move out of this house....
to be just freinds with june....
to spend weekends on the slopes or in my room at the computer
a computer thats good enough to run new games
a computer thats bad enough to run old games
to quit smoking
to stop doing drugs
to finish my novel
to paint that picture in oils
to finish carving my staff
to beat FFVII - FFX-2
to make delicious gumbo
to clean my room
to stay over at julies and play N64 golden eye till the crack of dawn
to go to writing group and read my poetry
to spend christmass in guanajuato
to spend the new year in new york
to forget about this retarded life and start a new one somewhere else
to fall out of love with tony
to fall in love wiht someone who loves me
to buy all of sublime's albums
to buy some van hallen and some black sabbath
to download that TISM song
to finish all my homework
to pass math and brain's self
to accumulate countless amusing annecdotes
to go to school one day all dolled up
to not lie about what i think of the world
to be as awsome as i once was
to not care about how i look
to have the confidence to act on my feelings
to have the dicipline to do what is needed even when it's not fun
to get rid of that bags under my eyes
to accept this unpleasant fate and make the best of it
to have another cup of tea.......

since thats the only one i can really acheive, i'll get on that now..

love... tony.... ouch

i dreamt of tony last night, or rather this morning.... how could i not. it wasn't the type of dream i expected to have, or the type i wanted. we were in the shower together... not fucking, i didn't even look down. we were just standing, and he put his arms around me like he used to and just held me. And i asked him what i was supposed to do now, and he said that he didn't know. and we just stood there, for the rest of the dream letting the hot water spill over us.
needless to say, old habbits die hard. i told june that this shit goes away, well i was lying to myself. it doesn't go away, you never truly get over love.... if you can get over it at all. i remember when the only boys i could ever deem worthy of my affections were ones who were in love already.... with not me. i guess i haven't changed at all. im not gonna say anything to tony about this. it's his turn to be spared my stupidity. i mean, he has enough love-sick girls pining for him and muddleing up his life as it is.... its the least i can do, to try and not be one of them. *sigh* love is so complicated.... and writing it off was so stupid. it's almost like i was proud to have had my heart broken.... but what was he suppised to do anyways? i mean you see it in televised romance all the time, people who give up everything for love. men who leave their wives because they fell in love with someone else... there's that one movie with mathew brodrick and meg ryan.... i don't remember the name. but you always end up forgiving the fellow for what he did..... you can't just let love slip by you, you gotta grab on and hold tight...... and im no xala.
it's funny tanner and whitney are the same tanner and whitney that i kind of know. It makes sense i suppose, boulder is a small town. and i guess that they're good freinds, even if its a mistake to fall in love with them. i feel sorry for the girl... she should have known better, but then again, so should june with alex. *sigh* love is such a pain in the ass.....
for a while there i was sure that i hadn't been in love with tony, but he reminded me yesterday. er, this morning. He really is the person i treasure..... he knows me. my light and dark side, and he's still here.... thats never happened to me before. I guess looking at it, at all that he is, and at me.... im not good enough. i don't have a troubled past that i need to be saved from. i am not emotionally stable. Im not beautiful like xala. Im too corrupt to be innocent, and too innocent to be corrupt...... i hate this feeling. this intense respect and longing for a person that i can never have....
the american dream is taking the easy way out.... it would have been so much easier to part as enemies, i could have told myself that i hated him for all eternity and never have had to deal with this again. but that would be too simple, to painless for me.... i seem to cling to the shit that hurts.

ugly ducks

so there's that whole story about the ugly duckling. about how he lived a life of pain due to his unpleasant apperance. in the story, he is the long lost heir to an unimaginable beauty; the pinacle of asthetic progress in the water-foul community. and it just so happens ( in the manner that it always just so happens in stories with morals ) that all his suffering was redeemed, and those who had so graciously pointed out his apparent deformity in the early years of his life were dosed with a proper regiment of karma and lived thier adult lives envying his beauty.

what bothers me is how few people consider the possibility that the duckling is just ugly. what do you do about that? there is no redemption, not in real life. We can watch the ugly school nerd get all dolled up and go with freddy prince junior to a highschool dance, but everyone knows that she was pretty to begin with, and in real life... no one will remember their senior prom except the people who can't let goof their 'glory days' and end up fat and alone in a trailer with tin siding. We can watch a hooker become the loving wife of her own personal richard geer, and we can smile at a million and one happy endings. maybe this is how i found out that people like lies. so long as they are well done, pretty, and cover sufficient ground to leave no obvious gaps. seeing is beliveing, as they say, so why shouldn't the world think that i am kind, slefless, and mature. i mean.... the entire american dream is based on dishonesty, why on earth should i be any different.

You may be wondering what any of that that i was ranting about just now has to do with ducks and sawns. well as an ugly duckling, who isn't a sawn, but rather is actually just unpleasant looking, i experience difficulty in finding a reason to not just lie to the world. im good enough at it, im almost positive that i had you convinced, i even convinced myself for a while..... the disillusionment that followed was... well, painfull. but if the truth hurts you.... thats no skin off my back, or at least i'd like to think so. my problem is that i have grown accustomed to the way that the 'elite' (and i put elite in quotes because i don't actually mean to say that i am better than anyone, or anything for that matter, i simply can't find a better word for people who are treated well based on status e.g. appearance, wealth, mad-skillz) are treated. i have come to need the way that inspite of my apparant flaws, people like me anyway (or so i am told). It is a harsh lesson to learn that you are a hideous person, you are angry because you lied to yourself about being a compulsive liar, you are angry becuase you painted a picture of youself that was plain enough to convince everyone... yourself included, but plain is your hideousness as the dulcit tones of a lolly-pop whistle in the hands of a small child are to the the crimson rifts of sound that issue from the base of an expertly handled priceless obo. if that wasn't clear enough for you, imagine a single sole-less shoem warn bare and with absolutly no functionality left in it, juxtaposed to a mint condition matching numbers 1967 aqua marine pontiac GTO convertible with alloy wheels, and a full white leather interior.... purring like a kitten. im not ever sure if this is enough of a contrast...... but none the less. the point is, knowing how much it hurt me to be reminded that im not what i claim to be, how would you feel about it, i can't very well say that i wasn't aware of my inner darkness, becuase i was, i simply chose not to admit it to myself, but you all have been hoodwinked, bamboozled, taken for a ride.... and i don't think i could handle it if you forsook me.

as i have abandoned faith in myself, i am left with only you.... freinds whom i don't entirely trust, meticulously filtered out of a group of peers that i hate.

this is why it bothers me that no one thinks about the duckling who is just ugly. no one would by a story book about him.... or the movie rights for that matter. the hideous ones are always alone....

year-book picture

silence...
the chemical developer
the absence of light: truth
The film: my life....
examplary
look at these images..... what do you see?
no pretty face, no warm smile
deformity
no eyes
no ears
only a gaping hole of a mouth
Would it be a lovelier photo if i had cut out my tongue?
I don't think it would matter
the real horror is within

I hate it when people know me....

my computer clock reads exactly 4:20 AM. it's the 27th of november... nathan said he might get home today, and for the enth time.... tony has made me cry. he makes me realize everything that i hate about myself. he knows me better than me, and sees the sides of me that all of you caring freinds and aquaintances are never exposed to. Its a good thing that i will never know stevo, or he might see how disgusting i am
how selfish
how closed-minded
how stubborn and frail.....
tony makes me notice that even he, a person i can no longer tollerate to speak to, is a million times better than me. and in seeing how much better than me he is, im reminded of all the reasons i wanted to be with him to begin with.
I am not better than anyone
how arrogant of me to think in some miniscule way my chosen life-style is at all superior, or even comparable to anyone else's. tony tells me: "kira... thats really low." he is right. he is always right, but i want the world to believe that i'm beautiful. i don't want anyone else to see....
i want to hide this ugliness, but hiding it doesn't make it go away.
I hate how right he is, becuase it reminds me why i hate myself.
It's all well and good to have unidentified self-loathing... you can blame it on all the guys who never asked you out, or how your family makes fun of you for being short or flat chested..... but it really really sucks to be reminded that there is really something loathsome within yourself, something so dispicable that you cringe to talk about it, and yet it is undeniably the core of your character.
i wonder if it's just a select few people who are actually so terrible,
or if everyone feels this way.

I am not ready to show you how ugly i am on the inside, because you are a person i love, and i am afraid to loose you, but you need to be warned.... it's not fair of me to mislead you...... you are being decieved. i am not the kind person with whom you made freinds. i am selfish and closed minded and arrogant.....

christmas in guanajuato

well, needless to say, it pays off to be freindly.
3 years ago
when my family was vacationing in puerto vallarta,
we were staying in the mexican equivalent of a holiday inn,
and i made freinds with a young mexican girl named nancy.
we were frends for 2 days,
i haven't seen her in 3 years,
and she's just invited me to her birthday-party...
in mexico.

my dad says that not only can we afford to send me, but that it would be a waste of a wonderful spanish speaking oppertunity for me to not go.
my mom wants to do a full CIA background check on her family history to make sure that they aren't accidentally selling me into slavery or the mexican mafia.

i myself am overjoyed, if not dreadfully aprehensive..... i mean, my spanish is horrific, im not sure i'll be able to communicate, although nancy and i did much better face to face because there is all the inflection and eyecontact, and im an expert at talking with my hands.

hmmmmm... and i can have an awsome christmas south of the border!

felice navidad.......

y ahora, yo quiero practicar mi espaniol..... es mui dificile, pero mui importante.....

fuck. i give up. i think i will dig up all the old movies i have in spanish and start practicing, begining with voltron, power rangers and fern gully, and moving on to mi peqenio ponies y los monedas magicas, and of course, los caballeros del zodiaco. well i will hop to that now.... since there really isn't anything else to say, or more to the point... anything else that im ready to admit to myself.

also..... happy thanksgiving, i hope everyone became a hefer from the over-consumption of delicious pie

This shit sucks

I am sick.

I am tired.

My skin is dry.

My hair is oily.

My spine is promising to become mishapen.

I've bitten my nails down to the quick.

And pop perscription stimulants to keep awake long enough to finish the homework that i spent the last three and a hlaf months in casual denial of.

I fucked up my wrist doing absolutly nothing.

Absolutly nothing is all i ever do.

I am dating a girl who wishes she were dating a low-life coke-feind.

I am dating a girl while wishing i were dating that low-life coke-feind's coke-feind freind.

SmarterChild is on my AIM buddy-list

There is more food on my floor than there has been in my stomach in the past two days.

My greatest ambtition is to leave a foot-print in someon's face.

I have yet to give a piece of useful advice.

I love Vodka and hate Whiskey

And simultaneously trash-talk and do drugs

I smoke camel lights and spirit blues.

I smoke sitting on my car a block and a half from school because I lack the confidence to interact with my cancer-ridden peers.

I have quit every thing i have ever done.

Except whining and procrastinating.

I am terrified that people know how hard i try to look like im not trying.

I am sick.

I am tired.

and i am, at long fucking last, going to bed.