i don't want your advice. i don't want you to tell me ways that i can fix it. fixing it isn't important. it doesn't matter.
today was a confidence faliure day. i felt stupid... and tired, even though i slept. i felt excluded... ignored, alienated. not like myself. i realized that i don't go to school with my freinds.
fucking house... no walls. i hate it when people know that im crying. i feel like i need someone to talk to. someone with a nice warm shoulder i can cry on. i need someone to be there for me, and im all alone. i can keep doing fun stuff and having a good time, but it doens't change anything.. im purley and fundamentally alone. who cares about me? my parents, but they don't get it... they understand me about as much as the understand the part of the instruction manual thats written in korean, julie... whom i haven't seen in months and probably won't see for several months more.... whoelse...? my cat? he cares... but thats not what i need.... alll he can do is pur reassuringly, but that in its self is depressing because i have no one to turn to but my feline companion. does anyone else care? like nathan? june? i know june cares... but i can't cry to her. she has enough shit in her own life. and Nathan has vanished, as is his way..... lot of good all my freinds do me. they're just a crowd. i feel like a drop of oil in a pitcher of water... i just don't mix... theres nothing that i can connect with, or latch onto. just a million molecules shutting me out. and im tired of waiting to find someone i can turn to, and im tired of having friends who aren't freinds and im tired of drifting away from the people i love and im fucking tired of being alone. i just don't know how to deal with it. sometimes i can forget about it, and just have a good time. but thats not enough. theres something missing and im tired of wishing i could find it.
im tired of having expectations and being dissapointed. Im sick of getting ashed on by the world.
i don't want to feel lonely anymore, or ugly or self concious or mean or unwelcome or not good enough, but thats all that i feel... and i ahve no one to tell about it. 23 of my buddies are online... and there is no one to tell.... i have 117 names in my cell phone adress book... and there is no one i can call and be rescued by..... my dad just offered me some icecream... cause he doesnt know what to do about the fact that im crying... but that would just be too cliche. crying over a pint of icecream. i hate that im crying at all..... people look disgusting when they cry... their noses and eyes get all red and their foreheads scrnch up and their mouths contort into an ugly twisted half smile... i hate the way i look when i cry...... i hate this.....
someone please find me,
someone please ask me if im okay... so that i can tell you no
someone please care about me
today was a confidence faliure day. i felt stupid... and tired, even though i slept. i felt excluded... ignored, alienated. not like myself. i realized that i don't go to school with my freinds.
fucking house... no walls. i hate it when people know that im crying. i feel like i need someone to talk to. someone with a nice warm shoulder i can cry on. i need someone to be there for me, and im all alone. i can keep doing fun stuff and having a good time, but it doens't change anything.. im purley and fundamentally alone. who cares about me? my parents, but they don't get it... they understand me about as much as the understand the part of the instruction manual thats written in korean, julie... whom i haven't seen in months and probably won't see for several months more.... whoelse...? my cat? he cares... but thats not what i need.... alll he can do is pur reassuringly, but that in its self is depressing because i have no one to turn to but my feline companion. does anyone else care? like nathan? june? i know june cares... but i can't cry to her. she has enough shit in her own life. and Nathan has vanished, as is his way..... lot of good all my freinds do me. they're just a crowd. i feel like a drop of oil in a pitcher of water... i just don't mix... theres nothing that i can connect with, or latch onto. just a million molecules shutting me out. and im tired of waiting to find someone i can turn to, and im tired of having friends who aren't freinds and im tired of drifting away from the people i love and im fucking tired of being alone. i just don't know how to deal with it. sometimes i can forget about it, and just have a good time. but thats not enough. theres something missing and im tired of wishing i could find it.
im tired of having expectations and being dissapointed. Im sick of getting ashed on by the world.
i don't want to feel lonely anymore, or ugly or self concious or mean or unwelcome or not good enough, but thats all that i feel... and i ahve no one to tell about it. 23 of my buddies are online... and there is no one to tell.... i have 117 names in my cell phone adress book... and there is no one i can call and be rescued by..... my dad just offered me some icecream... cause he doesnt know what to do about the fact that im crying... but that would just be too cliche. crying over a pint of icecream. i hate that im crying at all..... people look disgusting when they cry... their noses and eyes get all red and their foreheads scrnch up and their mouths contort into an ugly twisted half smile... i hate the way i look when i cry...... i hate this.....
someone please find me,
someone please ask me if im okay... so that i can tell you no
someone please care about me
posted by kira at 8:45 PM
1 Comments:
Im sorry kira, you should know that you always have a shoulder to cry on, you have my number, i now have my computer back. I'm sorry shit hasnt been going well. We really need to hang out. Nobody else, just us... and like chainsmoke a pack of cigarettes in my car or something *shrug*
Anyway, I love you, dont want you to feel like this, and really really really miss you.
*hugs*
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