June keeps asking why i don't update. i guess its maybe because i haven't really had anything to feel bad about recently. or well, no.. thats not true either. but what i have been is a different kind of bad. i have been confused, and annoyed, and angry, and frustrated, and dissapointed in others. but now im finally back to the type of bad theat provokes the updating of blogs: lonely, desperate, and dissapointed in me. I shouldn't be in this situation. if i were a decent person i wouldn't be where i am right now. i wouldn't be sad about being lonely... i probably wouldn't even have broken up with stevo... thats so strange. the last post i wrote i was desperately in like with him. ...desperately. thats a word i wish i could never use when describing my situations. i hate to be desperate. desperation hurts. like hope, and longing, and dissapointment. its strange i still don't feel like i can talk to anyone about why im so sad. i could try. but i know that im being retarded. like i said. if i were a decent person i wouldn't feel like this. i wouldn't want my phone to ring. it would have no reason to because i wouldn't have called him to begin with. if i were a decent person i wouldn't have waited up till 2:00 because he said he would call back. he wouldn't have been able to call back because if i were a decent person i wouldn't have called him in the first place. if i were a decent person i wouldn't have suffered these past 3 nights waiting to get the chance to be alone with him. and now im telling my story. on accident. because i can't keep it to myself anymore. im sorry june and nathan, that i don't feel like i can tell all this to you. but i can't you don't seem like you would understand. and you also have so much shit in your own lives. so many reasons to be sad that are far more legitimate than mine. i want someone i shouldn't want. and i shouldn't even want him. its just wrong. i just left stevo. did i leave stevo for him? maybe... at this point i cant tell. but regardless of whether or not i did... nothing will ever happen between him and me. you were right june. you said i would get let down. and i did. and i can't give up. because i can't and you know how that feels. of course. you're in love with alex. you love him. you've loved him for almost a year. you've known him for even longer than that. you are justified. im just retarded. im wasting my time. and my emotions. and your time as you read this. but it doesn't really matter to me right now. because i feel like shit. and i can't cry because i have taught myself not to. i tried to earlier. as i was watching the clock on my phone tick away the time. but i couldn't tears wouldn't come. maybe i could cry if i wasn't so fucking lame. if i didn't like him. if i didn't want to see him. if i had some good, real reason to be sad. Mr. Vaca was talking about how god punishes people who live badly with suffering. it was funny when he said it, but was it right? seems like it. like im being punished because i suck so much. you talk about how much you hate your self and how you have such low fucking self esteem and all that. me too. i hate me. especially over these past few weeks. and as much as i want everyone to like me... i don't want them to at the same time. i want to be right about being an asshole. i want people to treat me like the person that i am. and yet at the same time i wish that i didn't have to feel like shit about this. although i would anyway because im so pathetic when it comes to guys. but i wish that the half of me that agreed with society could do so without loathing the half of me that feels this way. have you ever heard that expression: the candle that burns twice as bright burns twice as fast? thats how it seems to be with me and attraction. and damn... do i burn bright. and then i burn out. thats what happened with stevo i think. thats why i shouldn't date. because that will always happen. and what happens if im right about the always part. what if i can never fall in love. why isn't liking someone more than i can bear fun anymore. why i can't i tell all my girlfreinds about him and have us all laugh about it over lunch... i guess thats what kids do.. or preteens. and they aren't anymore. everyone is growing up. everyone is being serious... falling in love, finding futures to live for. and im being left behind. im the most immature one for once. or maybe ive always been and i just didn't know. has the world been humoring me? am i a big joke? i could be.. i haven't had a firm grasp on the world in a long time. it could be. *sigh* i have to go wash the dye out of my hair. or tommorow i won't have any... or something.