what would i say to you all? If i could explain what i think of each and every one of you......
being away from you has made me realize what you all mean to me.. i know its smarmy, and that i've only been gone for a week, but it occurs to me that i have been considering leaving this country for two years... what then. so heres what i have to say.
to nathan: you are, without question, the best person i have ever met. you're a true friend, dare i say my best freind? i don't know... but i've been gone for a week, and was thinking about what it would be like to be gone for a year, and you're the person that i would most regret loosing as a freind. i've noticed that when i don't see you often, we tend to drift apart. thats not cool with me, i don't like to think about where we'd be if i go to japan... a year is a long time.
to alex h. you are an enigma, i can tell that you don't want to be alone, but you won't let me in. and maybe im not trying hard enough, but i desperately want to get to know you. i want to be a person who doesn't let you down... i know thats impossible, i let everyone down. but it would be cool if you could see that people care, and won't hurt you.. thats a lesson i think you still need to learn, and i hope that i can help you learn it. i hope that we become better freinds... but if we don't i can't say that i would miss you terribly... not enough that i would regret making the trip to japan... i don't feel that close to you yet.. which is too bad, cause i really really want to be... i guess what i would regret would be the lost oppertunity to become your freind.
to allison. what the deuce... how did we go from being best freinds to distant aquaintances... we've grown so far apart that i don't know what to get you for a present.. i don't know what you have, or even what you like any more... and god dammit i miss you! you were an amazing freind. you took care of me. which is something that i can't really say of many other people.. you got in. which is increadible. you saw my weakness, and relied on my strength and i hope that we can get that back.... but even if we don't, im happy for you, and proud of you that you found love. im happy that you are strong now, on your own, and independant of your mother, and that you have found someone with whom you can share yourself.... if it was anyone but you i'd be angry that you chose him over me, and jealous that you had someone and i didn't... but you are so deserving of this love, and it was so long overdue.. congratulations. if i go to japan of course i'll miss you, but i've been missing you for the past several months... i never see you anymore, so i can't imagine a hundred thousand miles making much of a difference in that regard.
to june... there is so much that you don't understand, but maybe im just looking at you like i look at me. you have a long way to go, and yet you underestimate yourself so drastically. you are a smart, funny, beautiful, entertaining girl... i hate that you can't see it, and i hate that other people can't see it... i lost a lot of respect for everyone who stopped thinking you were pretty when you cut your hair... you're still you. and if all they saw in you was your blonde hair then they didn't deserve you to begin with. i hope we can find some time this year to just chill, play some D&D maybe, maybe even with alex if you feel up to it, and jsut chill in your room watching movies and playing video games. it's akward to say, but if we had taken our dating thing a little more seriously, i could even see myself having fallen for you. we have a lot in common, and you're really cute. hehe. but thats beside the point. no matter how awsome i think you are, you need to see it and get it. you rock, no matter what anyone else says. i wouldnt miss you in japan cause you'd be coming with me... and if you don't go, i don't think i will either... you're one of the people i couldn't live without.
to connor. i must admit its a little weird that you follow me around sometimes. but i don't mind it. i like that you picked me as your homie. i like that we have kind of teamed up, and i like that you know everyone... its cool to be freinds with someone who is freinds with everyone... its a little shallow, but you knowing them makes me feel cool.. anyways.. you have awsome taste in music and fashion and movies and places to live. im a little confused about how you feel about me... sometimes i feel like you wish we were more than friends, it gets a little akward then since there's one guy who just sort of takes up that place in my mind. but the good out ways the bad.. i love that you're always around, and even though i don't know you, i feel like i could depend on you if i needed to. it'll be interesting to see where we end up. its hard to say if i would miss you if i went to japan, your presence is felt... and so is your absence, but do i miss you? its hard to say... at the very least, i notice that you're not around.
to Bryce. bryce bryce bryce. its about time you got an insanely attractive girlfreind. you are an awsome guy, and it really doesn't make any sense to me why you have been single for so long. i remember back in the summer or maybe even last year i was way jealous of claire when i saw you guys on the bus and you had your arm around her... i guess i had a bit of a crush on you... you have charisma and sex appeal and im glad people have started to notice this. there are things about you that im not sure of. like how you stopped thinking june was hott when she cut her hair.. kay.. thats just retarded. i mean, i agree that it looked better long and blonde, but hair grows out, so WTF. none the less, i wish we hung out more, and hope that we will in the coming year... i would like very mch for us to chill sometime and play pool at the atic or something like that. we always have good times. if i went to japan, i don't think much would change, i would miss the good times we had, but no more than i do now... lets just hope there are more good times ahead..
to skippy. i am not sure of you at all. i mean, you're sweet and fun loving.. but always on drugs, and when you're not you act and look like you are.. you're what i might call a burn out, and it makes me sad... also, i don't know where i stand with you. do you like me? yes no maybe so? its hard to tell, the way you hug me makes me think you do... but there seems like theres something between you and june, which makes me think you don't... either way.... im glad that things aren't akward after NDK... i mean, they probably would have been if we had had sex........ thats so sketchy, sex in a motel 6 bathroom at an anime convention... but we dindn't, despite what everyone thought... and well, thats it reallly. i really really really hope that you keep your promise and that you me and josh can spend at least one night this year playing D&D... that would make me really really happy. though im fond of you, and consider you a freind... if i went to japan, i wouldn't miss you, i'd just be glad to have known you.
to connor c. where do i stand with you... its akward a lot of the time because i get the distinct impression that you have some kind of feelings for me... i am terribly fond of you, i think you're an increadible guy and a real gentleman, and most importantly a good freind... but thats all i ever want us to be. and i hope that you understand that.. sometimes it feels like you don't and i feel weird and uncomfortable.. and that makes me sad, becuase when you do, i love just being around and being your freind. i hope we can hang out more, play videogames, watch movies.. maybe do drugs.. i don't know, just ahve fun... that would be awosme, cause we always have a good time... i don't really see much of you in boulder, so i can't imagine i would miss you much if i went to japan... i could easily go on wihtout you.
to ko. i don't feel like i know you well at all. there was a time, during jon and gamelan, that i really felt we were getting close. i would love to be close to you, but you and i are just never around one another.. you go to BHS and i go to NVHS and i rarely see you... thats a travesty when i see people like jared all the damn time, and i hate that kid.. you on the other hand are an endless mystery. you're gracefull and peacefull and i don't even know what else. i hope we get closer, but in alll honesty i don't think we will. you on the other hand i would miss if i went to japan. though i don't know you well and hardly see you, you always make an impact on me.
to katy s. you are insane... how is it that you are so like me and we only just realized it a couple weeks ago.. i love and hate you. im jealous of the way that you all hang out wihtout me, of the time you spend with wiley and the crew and of the freindship you have with erin that is both volatile and lasting. you're nicer than me i think, and i love your writing style, and well i have always thought you were cool. hahahah i remember i used to admire you at BHS.. i thought you were a bad ass cause you hung out in the hub and all you cared about was your music. it never occured to me that we might someday be freinds. i really hope that we can bring CBC back into existance and i know that its kinda my fault that it died, but i will try to make time for it, cause you guys keep me sane. i hope that you find a nice guy to steal your V-card, not just because i want you to be happy, but also becuase if you can have a relationship maybe i can too... i don't know though... sometimes im afraid that you're too much like me to have a successfull boyfreind.. none the less, you've grown on me, more so than erin or serena, and if i went to japan i would deffinately miss having you around. it's lame that you work now, you won't have any time to chill with me... not that i ever have time, but who knows maybe i will after this quarter.. i will try not to fall behind again.
to kat. you are too far away. we had something, i know we did... i mean... you're smart and beautiful, and you remind me of allison in that you're used to being hurt... when you were here i wanted to just hold you and make you feel better, if you lived in boulder i might try to show you that there are people who don't want to hurt you, who are honest and kind and care about you... but i have the sneaking suspicion that you know that.. you're stronger than me i think, and i think we could probably be really good for each other... but i am not willing to wait till you come here, if you come here, i might not even be in the country by the time you graduate high school. so it was a nice thought, but unrealistic. you're beautiful though, make up or no make up. and im gald i met you when you came. i hope we can be freinds, and talk online, and get to know each other and all that good stuff. if i go to japan, things wont really change, becuase you'll still be there, and i'll still be somewhere else.
to ix. i hate that i don't know you. i hate that we have drifted apart, but im proud of you. you will always be one of my best freinds. the wonderfull thing is that if i went to japan, i could come back a year later and we would stil be the fastest of freinds.. you and i have longevity, and that is invaluable... you might even come visit me... and if i don't go to japan, and graduate, i know that a year spent with you in england would be more fun than i can imagine... you rock. and even thoguh i rarely see you, i love you terribly. you a person that i don't have to worry about loosing.. and it means so much to me.
to julie. we don't hang out much any more, but you are still one of my best freinds. we may have fallen out of touch, but we've been through too much together for that to matter at all. i think it might bruise our freindship if i went to japan, and i would most certainly miss you, but we seem to always be able to pick up where we left off. i hope that i can be more like you. becuase you're smart and funy and organized and pretty. you're well read and you manage to be both innocent and daring at the same time... we have insane amounts of fun no matter what we do, and i know that no matter where i go in life, you'll support me..
to stevo. i don't know you, and thats my fault. im hoping that i can get the guts up to say "lets hang out sometime" and maybe to get your number, althgouh i already have it, i got it from nathan... i would never use it unless you gave it to me yourself. i hope we can chill, i hope i can et to know you, and i hope that when i do i still like you, and that maybe you'll decide that you like me. i get these strange vibes when i look at you.. it doesn't make sense, but they're new to me, and exciting, so even though i don't like the way that i like you, im not prepared to just shrug it off, im not even sure that i can. im afraid that we wouldn't mesh, that even if you felt somethign for me too our worlds just wouldn't fit together, im afraid your freinds wouldn't like me, and im really afraid that you're not who i think. i see something in you i like, that im attracted to, that pulls me in, but what if thats a part of you that you don't like. im afraid that you woldn't like me. im afraid that you like a lifestyle with sex and drugs and not much else. i have heard otherwise, but then i look at your frineds and get worried.. i think that these fears are more what keep me from just talking to you than an actual lack of confidence. im afraid that kira and stevo will be the equivalent of charlie and katy. but oh well, i'd like to think that when i get back i will have reflected upon this enough to actually say something to you, maybe i won't get so embarassed around you now, and i might actually be able to say something to you that is coherent and doesn't involve spewing soda from my face... we shall see i suppose, but i would like to think that if i go to japan, by the time i leave, you could be a person i can't live without.
to grey. im sorry that you broke up with rada. im sorry that your perfect girl ended up coming at an age-inappropriate time, but im confident that you'll find someone equally good for you later. i admire your ability to accept what life throws at you, but im confused by it. you seem to be a person ruled by reason, in fact, at times i think you don't even have emotions... thats strange to say and i know it can't be right, but if you do have them how is it possible that you can just get around them, or maybe im wrong, maybe you feel differently than i suspect about people and things, and maybe your emotions just don't conflict with reason... but that goes against my understandng of emotion. hehehe. is it lame that i still have a bit of a crush on you? you're just cute and fairly mature, and i have noticed, a good deal less arrogant than you used to be. i hope we can hang out more, watch some movies chill out, and become freinds. i would really like to be your freind, i think i might miss you over the course of a year, but i could live with out you.
katy f. what you do with your life doesn't really matter to me. i mean, im still fond of you, and i had hoped that by now we would still be better freinds. but we aren't in fact, when you came to boulder you couldn't even make two seconds to see me... thats okay, im over it... hhahaha not really. that was really low. when i say im over it, i mean that seeing you has stopped being important to me. you don't seem to care if we see each other, and i have risen to teh occaision, so if you stay in florida or move back to broomfield, or if i go to japan or england or stay in boulder, well maybe we'll get a coffee soemtime, but i can't really say that it would matter much.. i know its a little lame of me to hold grudeges like this, but its a fault i feel im entitled to.. to err is human, and to forgive is devine. well you and i are human... so i guess you fucked up.. and im no god, so we'll both jsut ahve to live with it.
to lionel. i love you, but i never see you, and im a little off put by the last time we hung out, were you trying to kiss me? is that what happened, i guess i have been avoiding you.. but im too shy and know you too well to ask. i love you dude, but not in that way... you're just one of my best freinds, you're like a brother to me, not to mention you're a good 5 years older than me... i would miss you if i left, but i don't know... i think we could still be friends when i came bck... and like, if we weren't maybe it was time for us not to be freinds anymore.
and then me... of course. i hate this school thing. its gone too far, and i think im kidding myself if i think that i can graduate, oh well. i will try to get through this quarter... then i will just attempt to stay on top of my shit till the end of the year... it would be awsome if i could graduate.. then i could start my life for real. but i need to make a desicion about this japan thing, cuase that effects whether or not i graduate this year whether im able to or not, and if i decide against it, i want to look at this englad thing... bah, everything is so overwhelming. i just want to finish all my crap and have time for my freinds, a novel idea... but i have to get my shit done... kira this is a reminder to you, if you ever read this. that you need to stay on top of your god damn work. you hate feeling like this, you hate loosing sleep over ufinished work, and you hate lying to your mom about having procrastinated.. what do you think you're gonna do if ben decides not to accept your work and you don't pass brain's self. you're going to ahve to come clean about those months of lying to her, and you won't get into CU... you should ahve thought of that when you were blowing it off. it seems a little funny that im writing this instead of doing my cantos, but i guess having written it, i can settle down and get to work... in fact, peace.
