a dream

i hadnt really noticed that i had started over. i guess it sort of slipped my mind. i got so caught up in the packing and catching my plane. it didnt really occur to me to say good bye to my life. maybe i hav made mistakes. maybe its too late for me to comethrought this without someone getting hurt, what makes me nervous is that it might not be me. i might hurt someone else. again... i dont want to think about it. i guess i wont. in other news, i keep breaking this computer. it keeps fucking up on me and doing things like turning all the text red, and making strange beeping noises as i type. theyre actually really annoying so ill make this short. i had a dream last night. i dreamt about him. about tanner. i dreamt that he was in boulder (well it wasnt really boulder) and that i just wanted to see him. and that i was getting in his way. and that i loved him and missed him and wanted to see him, and that to him i was just a stupid kid who couldnt get it right. he wanted to see me too i guess, but he couldnt afford to have me around. i was a liability because i got so emotional, because i was so naieve, becuase i didnt understand what it took to be a person like him and his freinds. i could never fit in with them, and in the end he went on without me. well no, thats not quite what happened. he told me that he could see me after 4:30, that if i could wait till then he could spare a mometn for me. so i got out of his way, and galavanted off with my own freinds and had adventures and an okay time and i didnt mind waiting because he had told me we would see each other so i just had a blast. and then i looked at my watch and it was 6:58. so i called him, but hew as gone. i hate you tanner. you didnt love me, you didnt need me and you didnt want me, but you just had to have me. and now im yours. and it means that i will never be at peace. you cost me so much every day. so much that i dont have. im going heart-broke here. and you dont give a shit. i wish you had left with whitney and skylar that one night last april. i wish you had just walked out the door and gone off and done drugs or gotten drunk and then fucked some girl who didnt love you that you didnt love. you would have been fine. meeting me didnt change you at all. it didnt do shit. but meeting you has ruined me. you fucking wrecked me.... how could you? how could you look at me like that and then just walk away. why did you chase me down and grab me and hold me tilli stopped crying. i would have been fine without you. but you just fucking had to come into my life. its not fair.....

i miss you