thecat

but of coure, they're part of you now....

2006-05-11T02:13:00.000-07:00

Together Noriko we'll live through this sadness. I'll love you with all the madness in my soul. Someday girl I don't know when we're gonna get to that place. Where we really wanted to go and we'll walk in the sun. But till then tramps like us baby we were born to run.

a dream

2006-05-10T22:29:00.000-07:00

i hadnt really noticed that i had started over. i guess it sort of slipped my mind. i got so caught up in the packing and catching my plane. it didnt really occur to me to say good bye to my life. maybe i hav made mistakes. maybe its too late for me to comethrought this without someone getting hurt, what makes me nervous is that it might not be me. i might hurt someone else. again... i dont want to think about it. i guess i wont. in other news, i keep breaking this computer. it keeps fucking up on me and doing things like turning all the text red, and making strange beeping noises as i type. theyre actually really annoying so ill make this short. i had a dream last night. i dreamt about him. about tanner. i dreamt that he was in boulder (well it wasnt really boulder) and that i just wanted to see him. and that i was getting in his way. and that i loved him and missed him and wanted to see him, and that to him i was just a stupid kid who couldnt get it right. he wanted to see me too i guess, but he couldnt afford to have me around. i was a liability because i got so emotional, because i was so naieve, becuase i didnt understand what it took to be a person like him and his freinds. i could never fit in with them, and in the end he went on without me. well no, thats not quite what happened. he told me that he could see me after 4:30, that if i could wait till then he could spare a mometn for me. so i got out of his way, and galavanted off with my own freinds and had adventures and an okay time and i didnt mind waiting because he had told me we would see each other so i just had a blast. and then i looked at my watch and it was 6:58. so i called him, but hew as gone. i hate you tanner. you didnt love me, you didnt need me and you didnt want me, but you just had to have me. and now im yours. and it means that i will never be at peace. you cost me so much every day. so much that i dont have. im going heart-broke here. and you dont give a shit. i wish you had left with whitney and skylar that one night last april. i wish you had just walked out the door and gone off and done drugs or gotten drunk and then fucked some girl who didnt love you that you didnt love. you would have been fine. meeting me didnt change you at all. it didnt do shit. but meeting you has ruined me. you fucking wrecked me.... how could you? how could you look at me like that and then just walk away. why did you chase me down and grab me and hold me tilli stopped crying. i would have been fine without you. but you just fucking had to come into my life. its not fair.....

i miss you

the sadness??

2006-05-08T19:47:00.000-07:00

i dont know what you do when you have a particularly nasty strain of the common cold, but i blog. so there! or more to the ponit here: my tummy hurts. probably because im hungry, and i feel like someone is sanding the back of my throat everytime i yawn, and i yawn a lot because i was kept up all last night by nice little attacks of coughing. i woke up too late for a hot breakfast, and to be quite honest im a little affraid of the solidified oil onto pf the lettuce. ick.... also my emotions hurt. i think its prbably a good idea to never re-read your old blogs. i think that they probably just rip open your insides like a shotgun wound to the chest. sorry. im reading battle royal... everything i think has become pretty bloody and terrifying over the past two days. at least im almost done though. damn.. talk about an involving story. i mean really, what would you do, if you suddenly discovered that you had to kill the group that you had been seeing everyday for 2 and a half years? i got really upset reading it last night. when those two kids go over the cliff. i was so jealous, but at the same time it made me happy. made me think that maybe i havent found true love yet, i mean... those kids. they couldnt live without each other right? so they died together. well tanner is gone. and im still here. doesnt that mean that he isnt the one? wow... my host mother bought a new denshi jishou... that means taht we have 3 ex words in the house right now. i wonder if when i go back to the sates shell give me her old one. i kinda want one.... not that the one she has helps or anything. when you go from english to japanese it just gives you kanji... that no good to me. not yet anyways. sigh. i guess ill ahve some tea and do some reading. maybe drink a sot of whiskey. you know what they say: whiskey makes you well when your sick, but whikey when youre well makes you sick. or maybe its only my dad that says that. either way, sounds like sound advice. stevo is writing a depressing book. ill post it here in a minute. i helped out a bit, see if you can pick out which lines are mine:

The sadness of waking up alone.
The sadness of waking up with the wrong person.
the sadness of waking up wiht the right person and knowing they'll be gone.
The sadness of waking up.
The sadness of saying good morning when you really wish no one a good morning.
The sadness of a sore throut but smoking a cigarette anyway.
The sadness of not having a god to pray to at night.
The sadness of praying to a god that isn't there, or doesn't care.
The sadness of talking to friends you know you can't see.
The sadness of seeing someone doing something you know you can never do.
The sadness of laughing when nothings funny.
The sadness of decieving someone into thinking you want them to be happy.
The sadness of making someone happy, but still being sad youself.
The sadness of what could of been.
The sadness of what is.
The sadness of losing what you have.
The sadness of nothing changing.
The sadness of not knowing why your sad...
the sadness of being loved by someone you dont love
the sadness of loving someone who doesnt love you
the sadness of not knowing love
the sadness of knowing love too well
the sadness of remembering the past
he sadness of fearing the future
the sadness of hearing a favorite song too many times
the sadness of waking up late and having to eat a cold breakfast
the sadness of getting minutes on your phone and having no one to call
the sadness of having someone to call but no minutes on your phone
the sadness of finding out that a dvd is horribly scratched 5 minutes before the climax
the sadness of having a sore fucking throat!
the sadness of not being able to smell the rain
the sadness of doubting yourself
the sadness of being unrightfully arrogent
the sadness of hearing someone you hate say something you were about to say
the sadness of finishing a book
the sadness of never finishing a book
the sadness of seeing someone beautiful
the sandess of seeing someone not as beautiful as you
the sadness of seeing something better then what you have.
the sadness of losing what you have thinking you will get something better
the sadness of giving in
the sadness of standing your ground
the sadness of never knowing
the sadness of knowing all too well.
The sadness of being born too late
the sadness of not having enough time
the sadness of having all the time in the world
the sadness of not being sad when you know you should be
the sadness of temperary releaf
the sadness of a lack of education
the sadness of not caring enough
the sadness of pointless days
the sadness of dwelling on whats so sad
the sadness of never getting that phone call.
the sadness of not knowing if you should call
the sadness of uncertenty
the sadness of not knowning when to stop
the sadness of knowing that you should of stoped a long time ago.
the sadness of not knowing if you you can ever stop
the sadness of obligations
the sadness of having nothing to do
the sadness of seeing love but not having it
the sadness of knowing love, but not seeing it
the sadness of a full stomich
the sadness of an empty stomich
the sadness of knowing someone else is sad
the sadness of knowing you made someone sad/mad
the sadness of never being able to see your favorite band
the sadness of someone you dont like likeing something you like
the sadness of someone you like not liking something you like
the sadness of having nothing in common
the sadness of not knowing what to say
the sadness of knowing what to say but not being able to say it
the sadness of wasting away
the sadness of knowing I will be dead someday
the sadness of knowing everyone I know will be dead someday
the sadness of being angry about nothing important
the sadness of someone pointing out your flaws
the sadness of not seeing your flaws till its too late
the sadness of knowing your flaws and having no control over it
the sadness of being late to work
the sadness of leaving early from work
the sandess of not being able to leave work
the sadness of being inside on a beautiful day
the sadness of not knowing where to go
the sadness of seeing someone who knows where they are going while you are lost and all you want to do is ask them to take you with them but that isn't something that people do, which goes into
the sadness of not knowing why people do the things they do
the sadness of knowing exactly what someone is doing
the sadness of not understanding why I can't just say hello
the sadness of confusion the sadness of plagerism
the sadness of sarcasim
the sadness of having a cold
the sadness of being able to think of endless amounts of things that make you sad.

lets see, ill throw in a few more, for the road

the sadness of getting to know someone only to find that you dont like them
the sadness of never getting to know someone you like.
the sadness of spending food money on beer
the sadness of having to spend beer money on food
the sadness of not calling
the sadness of not being called
the sadness of being jealous of something you dont really want
the sadness of realizing you made a mistake
the sadness of not realizing you made a mistake
the sadness of not beng able to help your best friend
the sadness of not being able to help yoru self
the sadness of being to proud to admit youre lonely
the sadness of being to lonely to be proud
the sadness of oversteeping your goddamn tea
the sadness of sleeping on your pierced ear and waking up smeared in blood
the sadness of forgetting what movie you wanted the second you get to the store
the sadness of running out of butter half way across the slice of toast
the sadness of thinking you need something that you only want
the sadness of thinking you only want something that you really need
the sadness of knowing sex without love
the sadness of knowing love without sex
the sadness of making a bad decision for a good reason
the sadness of making a good decision for a bad reason
the sadness of seeing something beautiful all by yourself
the sadenss of not being able to afford dank curry....
the sadness of having to ride your bike in the rain
the sadness of wanting to walk in the rain when its sunny
the sadness of wanting to play in the sun when its raining
the sadness of waking up and not being able to fal back to sleep
the sadness of watching your favortie movie so many times that its not your favorite anymore

update

2006-05-06T23:42:00.000-07:00

heres to a year. a year gone and a heart not yet healed. i wonder if when i wrote thats last blog i had any idea that i could survive this long still loving that one mistake. i would tell you that im in japan now. but if your june or nathan you already know that, and no one else knows this blog. i suppose i should mention that im actually watching a show about tigers on japanese cable at the moment so i am a bit distracted and my blog-worthy angst had diminished significantly since i sat down to wrtie this. what can i say, tigers are super cute. unlike me.... i wonder when i got to be so ashamed of being emo? i used to be proud of a really depressing blog, i used to read over them and think things like : "damn! i sure can write when im upset" now i feel like i should appologize in advance for being depressed, i fell lke i should be warning you that this blog has to do with me being upset and all that and then crack a joke about being lame and emotional.... sigh. this is a blog! i mean, for christs sake. i dont even know if june or nathan read this anymore... its been more than a year since i last wrote and i shouldnt care anyways.. you two, if youre tuning in are my two closest freinds. .. sigh... and june. you need to hold your horses.. or i gess ill update later since youre giving me a hard time about writing this. okay june. im done, we can go.

to be continued....

2005-04-03T21:06:00.000-07:00

June keeps asking why i don't update. i guess its maybe because i haven't really had anything to feel bad about recently. or well, no.. thats not true either. but what i have been is a different kind of bad. i have been confused, and annoyed, and angry, and frustrated, and dissapointed in others. but now im finally back to the type of bad theat provokes the updating of blogs: lonely, desperate, and dissapointed in me. I shouldn't be in this situation. if i were a decent person i wouldn't be where i am right now. i wouldn't be sad about being lonely... i probably wouldn't even have broken up with stevo... thats so strange. the last post i wrote i was desperately in like with him. ...desperately. thats a word i wish i could never use when describing my situations. i hate to be desperate. desperation hurts. like hope, and longing, and dissapointment. its strange i still don't feel like i can talk to anyone about why im so sad. i could try. but i know that im being retarded. like i said. if i were a decent person i wouldn't feel like this. i wouldn't want my phone to ring. it would have no reason to because i wouldn't have called him to begin with. if i were a decent person i wouldn't have waited up till 2:00 because he said he would call back. he wouldn't have been able to call back because if i were a decent person i wouldn't have called him in the first place. if i were a decent person i wouldn't have suffered these past 3 nights waiting to get the chance to be alone with him. and now im telling my story. on accident. because i can't keep it to myself anymore. im sorry june and nathan, that i don't feel like i can tell all this to you. but i can't you don't seem like you would understand. and you also have so much shit in your own lives. so many reasons to be sad that are far more legitimate than mine. i want someone i shouldn't want. and i shouldn't even want him. its just wrong. i just left stevo. did i leave stevo for him? maybe... at this point i cant tell. but regardless of whether or not i did... nothing will ever happen between him and me. you were right june. you said i would get let down. and i did. and i can't give up. because i can't and you know how that feels. of course. you're in love with alex. you love him. you've loved him for almost a year. you've known him for even longer than that. you are justified. im just retarded. im wasting my time. and my emotions. and your time as you read this. but it doesn't really matter to me right now. because i feel like shit. and i can't cry because i have taught myself not to. i tried to earlier. as i was watching the clock on my phone tick away the time. but i couldn't tears wouldn't come. maybe i could cry if i wasn't so fucking lame. if i didn't like him. if i didn't want to see him. if i had some good, real reason to be sad. Mr. Vaca was talking about how god punishes people who live badly with suffering. it was funny when he said it, but was it right? seems like it. like im being punished because i suck so much. you talk about how much you hate your self and how you have such low fucking self esteem and all that. me too. i hate me. especially over these past few weeks. and as much as i want everyone to like me... i don't want them to at the same time. i want to be right about being an asshole. i want people to treat me like the person that i am. and yet at the same time i wish that i didn't have to feel like shit about this. although i would anyway because im so pathetic when it comes to guys. but i wish that the half of me that agreed with society could do so without loathing the half of me that feels this way. have you ever heard that expression: the candle that burns twice as bright burns twice as fast? thats how it seems to be with me and attraction. and damn... do i burn bright. and then i burn out. thats what happened with stevo i think. thats why i shouldn't date. because that will always happen. and what happens if im right about the always part. what if i can never fall in love. why isn't liking someone more than i can bear fun anymore. why i can't i tell all my girlfreinds about him and have us all laugh about it over lunch... i guess thats what kids do.. or preteens. and they aren't anymore. everyone is growing up. everyone is being serious... falling in love, finding futures to live for. and im being left behind. im the most immature one for once. or maybe ive always been and i just didn't know. has the world been humoring me? am i a big joke? i could be.. i haven't had a firm grasp on the world in a long time. it could be. *sigh* i have to go wash the dye out of my hair. or tommorow i won't have any... or something.

in other news

2005-01-20T01:38:00.000-08:00

[00:55] PrecociousTease: does stevo have a girlfreind?
[00:55] mmb17ch3z: yeah he does
[00:55] PrecociousTease: thought so

norweigan wood rolls onto the radio, soft and static and fitting.
I hadn’t thought so.
It hadn’t even occurred to me.
But now that its there…. On paper in front of me, it doesn’t seem possible that I didn’t know it.
How could he not?
I mean… he’s stevo.
And I’m just kira
And to the world, that’s worth about as much as a single slip of camel cash…. 1/1000 of a cent.
I guess I really am done now… done with sole and smoking and drinking coffee
And hoping to have that one dream come to fruition
Heh. I think I really am designed to be alone.
I wonder how long he has had a girlfriend… I wonder if I had a chance and just missed it…
But I guess that’s wishful thinking all over again.
It’s hard to say what’s worse, having blown my chance or never having had one.
When it comes down to it, I’m really not worth the energy it takes to get to know me.
I have no right to get sad about this one. I never said anything.
I tried my damndest to hide the buzz I got when he was around
I don’t get to cry, it’s not like I gave him the chance to reject me.
Maybe now I can get over it.
Just oragel for the heart…
Fucking heart
Too bad feelings don’t actually come from your heart, or any other physical part of you…
If they did I could just cut that part out
Amputate my emotions
And be free

The only real freedom is to be completely and entirely alone
Im so nearly free.

2005-01-18T20:45:00.000-08:00

i don't want your advice. i don't want you to tell me ways that i can fix it. fixing it isn't important. it doesn't matter.

today was a confidence faliure day. i felt stupid... and tired, even though i slept. i felt excluded... ignored, alienated. not like myself. i realized that i don't go to school with my freinds.

fucking house... no walls. i hate it when people know that im crying. i feel like i need someone to talk to. someone with a nice warm shoulder i can cry on. i need someone to be there for me, and im all alone. i can keep doing fun stuff and having a good time, but it doens't change anything.. im purley and fundamentally alone. who cares about me? my parents, but they don't get it... they understand me about as much as the understand the part of the instruction manual thats written in korean, julie... whom i haven't seen in months and probably won't see for several months more.... whoelse...? my cat? he cares... but thats not what i need.... alll he can do is pur reassuringly, but that in its self is depressing because i have no one to turn to but my feline companion. does anyone else care? like nathan? june? i know june cares... but i can't cry to her. she has enough shit in her own life. and Nathan has vanished, as is his way..... lot of good all my freinds do me. they're just a crowd. i feel like a drop of oil in a pitcher of water... i just don't mix... theres nothing that i can connect with, or latch onto. just a million molecules shutting me out. and im tired of waiting to find someone i can turn to, and im tired of having friends who aren't freinds and im tired of drifting away from the people i love and im fucking tired of being alone. i just don't know how to deal with it. sometimes i can forget about it, and just have a good time. but thats not enough. theres something missing and im tired of wishing i could find it.
im tired of having expectations and being dissapointed. Im sick of getting ashed on by the world.
i don't want to feel lonely anymore, or ugly or self concious or mean or unwelcome or not good enough, but thats all that i feel... and i ahve no one to tell about it. 23 of my buddies are online... and there is no one to tell.... i have 117 names in my cell phone adress book... and there is no one i can call and be rescued by..... my dad just offered me some icecream... cause he doesnt know what to do about the fact that im crying... but that would just be too cliche. crying over a pint of icecream. i hate that im crying at all..... people look disgusting when they cry... their noses and eyes get all red and their foreheads scrnch up and their mouths contort into an ugly twisted half smile... i hate the way i look when i cry...... i hate this.....

someone please find me,
someone please ask me if im okay... so that i can tell you no
someone please care about me

to ease my troubled mind

2005-01-01T10:18:00.000-08:00

what would i say to you all? If i could explain what i think of each and every one of you......
being away from you has made me realize what you all mean to me.. i know its smarmy, and that i've only been gone for a week, but it occurs to me that i have been considering leaving this country for two years... what then. so heres what i have to say.

to nathan: you are, without question, the best person i have ever met. you're a true friend, dare i say my best freind? i don't know... but i've been gone for a week, and was thinking about what it would be like to be gone for a year, and you're the person that i would most regret loosing as a freind. i've noticed that when i don't see you often, we tend to drift apart. thats not cool with me, i don't like to think about where we'd be if i go to japan... a year is a long time.

to alex h. you are an enigma, i can tell that you don't want to be alone, but you won't let me in. and maybe im not trying hard enough, but i desperately want to get to know you. i want to be a person who doesn't let you down... i know thats impossible, i let everyone down. but it would be cool if you could see that people care, and won't hurt you.. thats a lesson i think you still need to learn, and i hope that i can help you learn it. i hope that we become better freinds... but if we don't i can't say that i would miss you terribly... not enough that i would regret making the trip to japan... i don't feel that close to you yet.. which is too bad, cause i really really want to be... i guess what i would regret would be the lost oppertunity to become your freind.

to allison. what the deuce... how did we go from being best freinds to distant aquaintances... we've grown so far apart that i don't know what to get you for a present.. i don't know what you have, or even what you like any more... and god dammit i miss you! you were an amazing freind. you took care of me. which is something that i can't really say of many other people.. you got in. which is increadible. you saw my weakness, and relied on my strength and i hope that we can get that back.... but even if we don't, im happy for you, and proud of you that you found love. im happy that you are strong now, on your own, and independant of your mother, and that you have found someone with whom you can share yourself.... if it was anyone but you i'd be angry that you chose him over me, and jealous that you had someone and i didn't... but you are so deserving of this love, and it was so long overdue.. congratulations. if i go to japan of course i'll miss you, but i've been missing you for the past several months... i never see you anymore, so i can't imagine a hundred thousand miles making much of a difference in that regard.

to june... there is so much that you don't understand, but maybe im just looking at you like i look at me. you have a long way to go, and yet you underestimate yourself so drastically. you are a smart, funny, beautiful, entertaining girl... i hate that you can't see it, and i hate that other people can't see it... i lost a lot of respect for everyone who stopped thinking you were pretty when you cut your hair... you're still you. and if all they saw in you was your blonde hair then they didn't deserve you to begin with. i hope we can find some time this year to just chill, play some D&D maybe, maybe even with alex if you feel up to it, and jsut chill in your room watching movies and playing video games. it's akward to say, but if we had taken our dating thing a little more seriously, i could even see myself having fallen for you. we have a lot in common, and you're really cute. hehe. but thats beside the point. no matter how awsome i think you are, you need to see it and get it. you rock, no matter what anyone else says. i wouldnt miss you in japan cause you'd be coming with me... and if you don't go, i don't think i will either... you're one of the people i couldn't live without.

to connor. i must admit its a little weird that you follow me around sometimes. but i don't mind it. i like that you picked me as your homie. i like that we have kind of teamed up, and i like that you know everyone... its cool to be freinds with someone who is freinds with everyone... its a little shallow, but you knowing them makes me feel cool.. anyways.. you have awsome taste in music and fashion and movies and places to live. im a little confused about how you feel about me... sometimes i feel like you wish we were more than friends, it gets a little akward then since there's one guy who just sort of takes up that place in my mind. but the good out ways the bad.. i love that you're always around, and even though i don't know you, i feel like i could depend on you if i needed to. it'll be interesting to see where we end up. its hard to say if i would miss you if i went to japan, your presence is felt... and so is your absence, but do i miss you? its hard to say... at the very least, i notice that you're not around.

to Bryce. bryce bryce bryce. its about time you got an insanely attractive girlfreind. you are an awsome guy, and it really doesn't make any sense to me why you have been single for so long. i remember back in the summer or maybe even last year i was way jealous of claire when i saw you guys on the bus and you had your arm around her... i guess i had a bit of a crush on you... you have charisma and sex appeal and im glad people have started to notice this. there are things about you that im not sure of. like how you stopped thinking june was hott when she cut her hair.. kay.. thats just retarded. i mean, i agree that it looked better long and blonde, but hair grows out, so WTF. none the less, i wish we hung out more, and hope that we will in the coming year... i would like very mch for us to chill sometime and play pool at the atic or something like that. we always have good times. if i went to japan, i don't think much would change, i would miss the good times we had, but no more than i do now... lets just hope there are more good times ahead..

to skippy. i am not sure of you at all. i mean, you're sweet and fun loving.. but always on drugs, and when you're not you act and look like you are.. you're what i might call a burn out, and it makes me sad... also, i don't know where i stand with you. do you like me? yes no maybe so? its hard to tell, the way you hug me makes me think you do... but there seems like theres something between you and june, which makes me think you don't... either way.... im glad that things aren't akward after NDK... i mean, they probably would have been if we had had sex........ thats so sketchy, sex in a motel 6 bathroom at an anime convention... but we dindn't, despite what everyone thought... and well, thats it reallly. i really really really hope that you keep your promise and that you me and josh can spend at least one night this year playing D&D... that would make me really really happy. though im fond of you, and consider you a freind... if i went to japan, i wouldn't miss you, i'd just be glad to have known you.

to connor c. where do i stand with you... its akward a lot of the time because i get the distinct impression that you have some kind of feelings for me... i am terribly fond of you, i think you're an increadible guy and a real gentleman, and most importantly a good freind... but thats all i ever want us to be. and i hope that you understand that.. sometimes it feels like you don't and i feel weird and uncomfortable.. and that makes me sad, becuase when you do, i love just being around and being your freind. i hope we can hang out more, play videogames, watch movies.. maybe do drugs.. i don't know, just ahve fun... that would be awosme, cause we always have a good time... i don't really see much of you in boulder, so i can't imagine i would miss you much if i went to japan... i could easily go on wihtout you.

to ko. i don't feel like i know you well at all. there was a time, during jon and gamelan, that i really felt we were getting close. i would love to be close to you, but you and i are just never around one another.. you go to BHS and i go to NVHS and i rarely see you... thats a travesty when i see people like jared all the damn time, and i hate that kid.. you on the other hand are an endless mystery. you're gracefull and peacefull and i don't even know what else. i hope we get closer, but in alll honesty i don't think we will. you on the other hand i would miss if i went to japan. though i don't know you well and hardly see you, you always make an impact on me.

to katy s. you are insane... how is it that you are so like me and we only just realized it a couple weeks ago.. i love and hate you. im jealous of the way that you all hang out wihtout me, of the time you spend with wiley and the crew and of the freindship you have with erin that is both volatile and lasting. you're nicer than me i think, and i love your writing style, and well i have always thought you were cool. hahahah i remember i used to admire you at BHS.. i thought you were a bad ass cause you hung out in the hub and all you cared about was your music. it never occured to me that we might someday be freinds. i really hope that we can bring CBC back into existance and i know that its kinda my fault that it died, but i will try to make time for it, cause you guys keep me sane. i hope that you find a nice guy to steal your V-card, not just because i want you to be happy, but also becuase if you can have a relationship maybe i can too... i don't know though... sometimes im afraid that you're too much like me to have a successfull boyfreind.. none the less, you've grown on me, more so than erin or serena, and if i went to japan i would deffinately miss having you around. it's lame that you work now, you won't have any time to chill with me... not that i ever have time, but who knows maybe i will after this quarter.. i will try not to fall behind again.

to kat. you are too far away. we had something, i know we did... i mean... you're smart and beautiful, and you remind me of allison in that you're used to being hurt... when you were here i wanted to just hold you and make you feel better, if you lived in boulder i might try to show you that there are people who don't want to hurt you, who are honest and kind and care about you... but i have the sneaking suspicion that you know that.. you're stronger than me i think, and i think we could probably be really good for each other... but i am not willing to wait till you come here, if you come here, i might not even be in the country by the time you graduate high school. so it was a nice thought, but unrealistic. you're beautiful though, make up or no make up. and im gald i met you when you came. i hope we can be freinds, and talk online, and get to know each other and all that good stuff. if i go to japan, things wont really change, becuase you'll still be there, and i'll still be somewhere else.

to ix. i hate that i don't know you. i hate that we have drifted apart, but im proud of you. you will always be one of my best freinds. the wonderfull thing is that if i went to japan, i could come back a year later and we would stil be the fastest of freinds.. you and i have longevity, and that is invaluable... you might even come visit me... and if i don't go to japan, and graduate, i know that a year spent with you in england would be more fun than i can imagine... you rock. and even thoguh i rarely see you, i love you terribly. you a person that i don't have to worry about loosing.. and it means so much to me.

to julie. we don't hang out much any more, but you are still one of my best freinds. we may have fallen out of touch, but we've been through too much together for that to matter at all. i think it might bruise our freindship if i went to japan, and i would most certainly miss you, but we seem to always be able to pick up where we left off. i hope that i can be more like you. becuase you're smart and funy and organized and pretty. you're well read and you manage to be both innocent and daring at the same time... we have insane amounts of fun no matter what we do, and i know that no matter where i go in life, you'll support me..

to stevo. i don't know you, and thats my fault. im hoping that i can get the guts up to say "lets hang out sometime" and maybe to get your number, althgouh i already have it, i got it from nathan... i would never use it unless you gave it to me yourself. i hope we can chill, i hope i can et to know you, and i hope that when i do i still like you, and that maybe you'll decide that you like me. i get these strange vibes when i look at you.. it doesn't make sense, but they're new to me, and exciting, so even though i don't like the way that i like you, im not prepared to just shrug it off, im not even sure that i can. im afraid that we wouldn't mesh, that even if you felt somethign for me too our worlds just wouldn't fit together, im afraid your freinds wouldn't like me, and im really afraid that you're not who i think. i see something in you i like, that im attracted to, that pulls me in, but what if thats a part of you that you don't like. im afraid that you woldn't like me. im afraid that you like a lifestyle with sex and drugs and not much else. i have heard otherwise, but then i look at your frineds and get worried.. i think that these fears are more what keep me from just talking to you than an actual lack of confidence. im afraid that kira and stevo will be the equivalent of charlie and katy. but oh well, i'd like to think that when i get back i will have reflected upon this enough to actually say something to you, maybe i won't get so embarassed around you now, and i might actually be able to say something to you that is coherent and doesn't involve spewing soda from my face... we shall see i suppose, but i would like to think that if i go to japan, by the time i leave, you could be a person i can't live without.

to grey. im sorry that you broke up with rada. im sorry that your perfect girl ended up coming at an age-inappropriate time, but im confident that you'll find someone equally good for you later. i admire your ability to accept what life throws at you, but im confused by it. you seem to be a person ruled by reason, in fact, at times i think you don't even have emotions... thats strange to say and i know it can't be right, but if you do have them how is it possible that you can just get around them, or maybe im wrong, maybe you feel differently than i suspect about people and things, and maybe your emotions just don't conflict with reason... but that goes against my understandng of emotion. hehehe. is it lame that i still have a bit of a crush on you? you're just cute and fairly mature, and i have noticed, a good deal less arrogant than you used to be. i hope we can hang out more, watch some movies chill out, and become freinds. i would really like to be your freind, i think i might miss you over the course of a year, but i could live with out you.

katy f. what you do with your life doesn't really matter to me. i mean, im still fond of you, and i had hoped that by now we would still be better freinds. but we aren't in fact, when you came to boulder you couldn't even make two seconds to see me... thats okay, im over it... hhahaha not really. that was really low. when i say im over it, i mean that seeing you has stopped being important to me. you don't seem to care if we see each other, and i have risen to teh occaision, so if you stay in florida or move back to broomfield, or if i go to japan or england or stay in boulder, well maybe we'll get a coffee soemtime, but i can't really say that it would matter much.. i know its a little lame of me to hold grudeges like this, but its a fault i feel im entitled to.. to err is human, and to forgive is devine. well you and i are human... so i guess you fucked up.. and im no god, so we'll both jsut ahve to live with it.

to lionel. i love you, but i never see you, and im a little off put by the last time we hung out, were you trying to kiss me? is that what happened, i guess i have been avoiding you.. but im too shy and know you too well to ask. i love you dude, but not in that way... you're just one of my best freinds, you're like a brother to me, not to mention you're a good 5 years older than me... i would miss you if i left, but i don't know... i think we could still be friends when i came bck... and like, if we weren't maybe it was time for us not to be freinds anymore.

and then me... of course. i hate this school thing. its gone too far, and i think im kidding myself if i think that i can graduate, oh well. i will try to get through this quarter... then i will just attempt to stay on top of my shit till the end of the year... it would be awsome if i could graduate.. then i could start my life for real. but i need to make a desicion about this japan thing, cuase that effects whether or not i graduate this year whether im able to or not, and if i decide against it, i want to look at this englad thing... bah, everything is so overwhelming. i just want to finish all my crap and have time for my freinds, a novel idea... but i have to get my shit done... kira this is a reminder to you, if you ever read this. that you need to stay on top of your god damn work. you hate feeling like this, you hate loosing sleep over ufinished work, and you hate lying to your mom about having procrastinated.. what do you think you're gonna do if ben decides not to accept your work and you don't pass brain's self. you're going to ahve to come clean about those months of lying to her, and you won't get into CU... you should ahve thought of that when you were blowing it off. it seems a little funny that im writing this instead of doing my cantos, but i guess having written it, i can settle down and get to work... in fact, peace.

fuck

2004-12-02T03:22:00.000-08:00

so life is shitty. june mentioned that she makes it so that all her blogs are at 4:20... i thought i would just wait, since im up anyways. i miss people. people being nathan and allison too, but thats always how it is between her and i, and june too. i haven't seen anyone in ages. thats not counting tony and gordon who came over, or connor squiggles... or ever steve at time warp.. just my good friends. i haven't seen them in a long ass time. oh well. i am going to finish my work instead of this blog... congratulations work ethic i guess..

of course it's easy

2004-11-30T07:54:00.000-08:00

everytime no one catches you, and you just drop like a rock.....
you break a little worse.
when you get up from a hard fall like that,
you get harder... building towards an unbreakable shell.
it's retarded if all i've gained from this... enlightening experience is another layer of stone around my wall.
i really thought i was ready to move on from all that crap.
everyone i talked to told me to rebuild... well actually tony said to 'repair'
either way, it seems like the world is fond of my walls, so i toil on.
i'm thinking maybe i'm gonna leave out the windows when i build it this time
that way i won't have to look at all the cool shit im missing by shutting my self up inside me.
it makes me wonder, did anyone really know me at all?
really?
i mean... there's one who does, she still does, maybe even two... but the rest of you
you only know what you have seen, and you have only seen what i have showed you.... how could you possibly understand that there's a monster behind the mask.
oh well, i suppose the next task to be undertook will be to peel away the mask.
all i need to do is forget that there is a world out there.
easy right?
i mean, it's so simple to just forget everything you've ever seen or been told and act on the basis of something you know to be false.
of course it's easy.
fucking piece of cake, just like rebuilding your entire identity from the ground up.
i'll just do it, simple as that.
thanks for the great fucking advice.
it was so damn helpfull, and really very comforting...

but it's fucking lame for me to get mad at you .
it was fucking lame for me to have even mentioned how you crushed my confidence and triggered this landslide of self loathing.
in fact, it seems that me telling you anything about how i feel is lame.
granted, that i shouldn't come first all the time, but now i don't feel like i can come at all.
that's okay. you want to be freinds, and i want to be freinds
the problem is that neither of us like the person that the other has become...
when you're around we have great times playing video games and making fun of the world,
but whenever i talk to you online i.e. not face to face, i am amazed that i can tollerate you.
maybe im reverting back to my old ways of thinking... where i refuse to admit that the fault is with me....
but i'm almost positive now that it's with you too.
thats not to say that i'm some fucking angel, in fact, i don't think anyone has painted an uglier or more accurate picture of me than you did,
but i'm thinking that it takes two people to have an argument... and maybe we're both ugly assholes.
maybe what i admired in you was your contempt for the world you aren't a part of.... the 'me' in you.

how arrogant, to admire myself in someone else.
oh well. all my arrogance is gone now, difused into the atmosphere when my ego got punctured.
i've lost all my trusting affection of the unknow.
well no... i still love the world, i still belive in magic and take comfort in it's beauty, i trust that there are beautiful places in the world, and that maybe if i believe i will see them. i still believe in fucking faeries
it's the people in this beautiful world that i have lost faith in.
thats a sad thing for me to admit.
i have always been proud of my undeterrable hope.
a hope that is now cracked, if not entirely shattered.
At least some good has come of this.
i don't like stevo anymore
and i can't even picture myself with tony.
but i don't see myself as alone either, maybe there is someone out there for me.
i will probably never meet him, but i don't suppose that really matters.
i am done looking for a relationship... or even a new freindship.
i don't trust anyone to like the person i want to become.
i am not the kind of girl that guys line up to date.
i have always known that, but a part of me always figured that the right kind of guy would start a line of his own or something.
well there isn't a guy that doesn't mind
not here, and probably not anywhere, so why get my hopes up.

i am sick of being let down, mostly by myslef. i mean, i expect no less from everyone else, but in the past at least i could count on me.
ugh... i can feel my shell hardening.... this should last a while.

It's funny how bad things can get in a couple of days, how much a person can change....
i wonder what hell will feel like tommorow

i want:

2004-11-27T03:21:00.004-08:00

to move out of this house....
to be just freinds with june....
to spend weekends on the slopes or in my room at the computer
a computer thats good enough to run new games
a computer thats bad enough to run old games
to quit smoking
to stop doing drugs
to finish my novel
to paint that picture in oils
to finish carving my staff
to beat FFVII - FFX-2
to make delicious gumbo
to clean my room
to stay over at julies and play N64 golden eye till the crack of dawn
to go to writing group and read my poetry
to spend christmass in guanajuato
to spend the new year in new york
to forget about this retarded life and start a new one somewhere else
to fall out of love with tony
to fall in love wiht someone who loves me
to buy all of sublime's albums
to buy some van hallen and some black sabbath
to download that TISM song
to finish all my homework
to pass math and brain's self
to accumulate countless amusing annecdotes
to go to school one day all dolled up
to not lie about what i think of the world
to be as awsome as i once was
to not care about how i look
to have the confidence to act on my feelings
to have the dicipline to do what is needed even when it's not fun
to get rid of that bags under my eyes
to accept this unpleasant fate and make the best of it
to have another cup of tea.......

since thats the only one i can really acheive, i'll get on that now..

love... tony.... ouch

2004-11-27T03:21:00.003-08:00

i dreamt of tony last night, or rather this morning.... how could i not. it wasn't the type of dream i expected to have, or the type i wanted. we were in the shower together... not fucking, i didn't even look down. we were just standing, and he put his arms around me like he used to and just held me. And i asked him what i was supposed to do now, and he said that he didn't know. and we just stood there, for the rest of the dream letting the hot water spill over us.
needless to say, old habbits die hard. i told june that this shit goes away, well i was lying to myself. it doesn't go away, you never truly get over love.... if you can get over it at all. i remember when the only boys i could ever deem worthy of my affections were ones who were in love already.... with not me. i guess i haven't changed at all. im not gonna say anything to tony about this. it's his turn to be spared my stupidity. i mean, he has enough love-sick girls pining for him and muddleing up his life as it is.... its the least i can do, to try and not be one of them. *sigh* love is so complicated.... and writing it off was so stupid. it's almost like i was proud to have had my heart broken.... but what was he suppised to do anyways? i mean you see it in televised romance all the time, people who give up everything for love. men who leave their wives because they fell in love with someone else... there's that one movie with mathew brodrick and meg ryan.... i don't remember the name. but you always end up forgiving the fellow for what he did..... you can't just let love slip by you, you gotta grab on and hold tight...... and im no xala.
it's funny tanner and whitney are the same tanner and whitney that i kind of know. It makes sense i suppose, boulder is a small town. and i guess that they're good freinds, even if its a mistake to fall in love with them. i feel sorry for the girl... she should have known better, but then again, so should june with alex. *sigh* love is such a pain in the ass.....
for a while there i was sure that i hadn't been in love with tony, but he reminded me yesterday. er, this morning. He really is the person i treasure..... he knows me. my light and dark side, and he's still here.... thats never happened to me before. I guess looking at it, at all that he is, and at me.... im not good enough. i don't have a troubled past that i need to be saved from. i am not emotionally stable. Im not beautiful like xala. Im too corrupt to be innocent, and too innocent to be corrupt...... i hate this feeling. this intense respect and longing for a person that i can never have....
the american dream is taking the easy way out.... it would have been so much easier to part as enemies, i could have told myself that i hated him for all eternity and never have had to deal with this again. but that would be too simple, to painless for me.... i seem to cling to the shit that hurts.

ugly ducks

2004-11-27T03:21:00.002-08:00

so there's that whole story about the ugly duckling. about how he lived a life of pain due to his unpleasant apperance. in the story, he is the long lost heir to an unimaginable beauty; the pinacle of asthetic progress in the water-foul community. and it just so happens ( in the manner that it always just so happens in stories with morals ) that all his suffering was redeemed, and those who had so graciously pointed out his apparent deformity in the early years of his life were dosed with a proper regiment of karma and lived thier adult lives envying his beauty.

what bothers me is how few people consider the possibility that the duckling is just ugly. what do you do about that? there is no redemption, not in real life. We can watch the ugly school nerd get all dolled up and go with freddy prince junior to a highschool dance, but everyone knows that she was pretty to begin with, and in real life... no one will remember their senior prom except the people who can't let goof their 'glory days' and end up fat and alone in a trailer with tin siding. We can watch a hooker become the loving wife of her own personal richard geer, and we can smile at a million and one happy endings. maybe this is how i found out that people like lies. so long as they are well done, pretty, and cover sufficient ground to leave no obvious gaps. seeing is beliveing, as they say, so why shouldn't the world think that i am kind, slefless, and mature. i mean.... the entire american dream is based on dishonesty, why on earth should i be any different.

You may be wondering what any of that that i was ranting about just now has to do with ducks and sawns. well as an ugly duckling, who isn't a sawn, but rather is actually just unpleasant looking, i experience difficulty in finding a reason to not just lie to the world. im good enough at it, im almost positive that i had you convinced, i even convinced myself for a while..... the disillusionment that followed was... well, painfull. but if the truth hurts you.... thats no skin off my back, or at least i'd like to think so. my problem is that i have grown accustomed to the way that the 'elite' (and i put elite in quotes because i don't actually mean to say that i am better than anyone, or anything for that matter, i simply can't find a better word for people who are treated well based on status e.g. appearance, wealth, mad-skillz) are treated. i have come to need the way that inspite of my apparant flaws, people like me anyway (or so i am told). It is a harsh lesson to learn that you are a hideous person, you are angry because you lied to yourself about being a compulsive liar, you are angry becuase you painted a picture of youself that was plain enough to convince everyone... yourself included, but plain is your hideousness as the dulcit tones of a lolly-pop whistle in the hands of a small child are to the the crimson rifts of sound that issue from the base of an expertly handled priceless obo. if that wasn't clear enough for you, imagine a single sole-less shoem warn bare and with absolutly no functionality left in it, juxtaposed to a mint condition matching numbers 1967 aqua marine pontiac GTO convertible with alloy wheels, and a full white leather interior.... purring like a kitten. im not ever sure if this is enough of a contrast...... but none the less. the point is, knowing how much it hurt me to be reminded that im not what i claim to be, how would you feel about it, i can't very well say that i wasn't aware of my inner darkness, becuase i was, i simply chose not to admit it to myself, but you all have been hoodwinked, bamboozled, taken for a ride.... and i don't think i could handle it if you forsook me.

as i have abandoned faith in myself, i am left with only you.... freinds whom i don't entirely trust, meticulously filtered out of a group of peers that i hate.

this is why it bothers me that no one thinks about the duckling who is just ugly. no one would by a story book about him.... or the movie rights for that matter. the hideous ones are always alone....

year-book picture

2004-11-27T03:21:00.001-08:00

silence...
the chemical developer
the absence of light: truth
The film: my life....
examplary
look at these images..... what do you see?
no pretty face, no warm smile
deformity
no eyes
no ears
only a gaping hole of a mouth
Would it be a lovelier photo if i had cut out my tongue?
I don't think it would matter
the real horror is within

I hate it when people know me....

2004-11-27T03:21:00.000-08:00

my computer clock reads exactly 4:20 AM. it's the 27th of november... nathan said he might get home today, and for the enth time.... tony has made me cry. he makes me realize everything that i hate about myself. he knows me better than me, and sees the sides of me that all of you caring freinds and aquaintances are never exposed to. Its a good thing that i will never know stevo, or he might see how disgusting i am
how selfish
how closed-minded
how stubborn and frail.....
tony makes me notice that even he, a person i can no longer tollerate to speak to, is a million times better than me. and in seeing how much better than me he is, im reminded of all the reasons i wanted to be with him to begin with.
I am not better than anyone
how arrogant of me to think in some miniscule way my chosen life-style is at all superior, or even comparable to anyone else's. tony tells me: "kira... thats really low." he is right. he is always right, but i want the world to believe that i'm beautiful. i don't want anyone else to see....
i want to hide this ugliness, but hiding it doesn't make it go away.
I hate how right he is, becuase it reminds me why i hate myself.
It's all well and good to have unidentified self-loathing... you can blame it on all the guys who never asked you out, or how your family makes fun of you for being short or flat chested..... but it really really sucks to be reminded that there is really something loathsome within yourself, something so dispicable that you cringe to talk about it, and yet it is undeniably the core of your character.
i wonder if it's just a select few people who are actually so terrible,
or if everyone feels this way.

I am not ready to show you how ugly i am on the inside, because you are a person i love, and i am afraid to loose you, but you need to be warned.... it's not fair of me to mislead you...... you are being decieved. i am not the kind person with whom you made freinds. i am selfish and closed minded and arrogant.....

christmas in guanajuato

2004-11-26T20:57:00.000-08:00

well, needless to say, it pays off to be freindly.
3 years ago
when my family was vacationing in puerto vallarta,
we were staying in the mexican equivalent of a holiday inn,
and i made freinds with a young mexican girl named nancy.
we were frends for 2 days,
i haven't seen her in 3 years,
and she's just invited me to her birthday-party...
in mexico.

my dad says that not only can we afford to send me, but that it would be a waste of a wonderful spanish speaking oppertunity for me to not go.
my mom wants to do a full CIA background check on her family history to make sure that they aren't accidentally selling me into slavery or the mexican mafia.

i myself am overjoyed, if not dreadfully aprehensive..... i mean, my spanish is horrific, im not sure i'll be able to communicate, although nancy and i did much better face to face because there is all the inflection and eyecontact, and im an expert at talking with my hands.

hmmmmm... and i can have an awsome christmas south of the border!

felice navidad.......

y ahora, yo quiero practicar mi espaniol..... es mui dificile, pero mui importante.....

fuck. i give up. i think i will dig up all the old movies i have in spanish and start practicing, begining with voltron, power rangers and fern gully, and moving on to mi peqenio ponies y los monedas magicas, and of course, los caballeros del zodiaco. well i will hop to that now.... since there really isn't anything else to say, or more to the point... anything else that im ready to admit to myself.

also..... happy thanksgiving, i hope everyone became a hefer from the over-consumption of delicious pie

This shit sucks

2004-11-16T08:27:00.000-08:00

I am sick.

I am tired.

My skin is dry.

My hair is oily.

My spine is promising to become mishapen.

I've bitten my nails down to the quick.

And pop perscription stimulants to keep awake long enough to finish the homework that i spent the last three and a hlaf months in casual denial of.

I fucked up my wrist doing absolutly nothing.

Absolutly nothing is all i ever do.

I am dating a girl who wishes she were dating a low-life coke-feind.

I am dating a girl while wishing i were dating that low-life coke-feind's coke-feind freind.

SmarterChild is on my AIM buddy-list

There is more food on my floor than there has been in my stomach in the past two days.

My greatest ambtition is to leave a foot-print in someon's face.

I have yet to give a piece of useful advice.

I love Vodka and hate Whiskey

And simultaneously trash-talk and do drugs

I smoke camel lights and spirit blues.

I smoke sitting on my car a block and a half from school because I lack the confidence to interact with my cancer-ridden peers.

I have quit every thing i have ever done.

Except whining and procrastinating.

I am terrified that people know how hard i try to look like im not trying.

I am sick.

I am tired.

and i am, at long fucking last, going to bed.

shit... stevo

2004-10-31T21:07:00.007-08:00

PrecociousTease: yo!obobgurubob: RAWRPrecociousTease: how's the good life?>obobgurubob: *shrug*obobgurubob: what you up to?PrecociousTease: pretending to workobobgurubob: hahaobobgurubob: and doing what?PrecociousTease: talking to alexobobgurubob: heh w3rdPrecociousTease: it is quite awsomePrecociousTease: we are making plans to hang out and comforting eachother about the pains of existingobobgurubob: uhhh okay...PrecociousTease: yupPrecociousTease: i like it!PrecociousTease: bahPrecociousTease: dudeobobgurubob: ?PrecociousTease: i hate liking stevoPrecociousTease: i think that i should get a labotomy or somethingobobgurubob: haha i sold piuzza to stevoPrecociousTease: piuzza?PrecociousTease: ah!PrecociousTease: no u!PrecociousTease: i get stuff!obobgurubob: yes, piuzzaobobgurubob: and stevo does know who you are lolPrecociousTease: how do you know that!?obobgurubob: and uhh was checkin you out for the first part of the ska is dead show and then when he wasnt skanking during the 2nd half lolPrecociousTease: noPrecociousTease: you must be jokingPrecociousTease: you are just trying to kill mePrecociousTease: kill me deadobobgurubob: noobobgurubob: least thats how it looked to meobobgurubob: and after i told him you were tripping with us he asked if he could come hang out with us lolPrecociousTease: you realize that you just gave me amunition for good dreams and shitty days for like a monthobobgurubob: uhhh sorry, your welcome?PrecociousTease: hahahahaPrecociousTease: i don't even knowPrecociousTease: oh manPrecociousTease: i might have to go to sleep nowobobgurubob: hahahaPrecociousTease: just so that i can dream about thatobobgurubob: HAHAHAobobgurubob: ROFLPrecociousTease: i had a dream that he and i were camping together with some groupPrecociousTease: and he read my journalPrecociousTease: and likePrecociousTease: its mostly about himobobgurubob: lolPrecociousTease: hahahhaPrecociousTease: it was a mixed dreaPrecociousTease: mobobgurubob: roflobobgurubob: so are you REALLY only down to one? or just sayin that again? lolPrecociousTease: but then these zombie reindeers pranced up carrying this sled with a pregnant woman and a genius baby that liked gothic artPrecociousTease: it was fucked upobobgurubob: .....PrecociousTease: yeahPrecociousTease: hahahhaPrecociousTease: you don't wanna know what goes on in my headPrecociousTease: oh manPrecociousTease: and like....obobgurubob: yes i do its often crazy shit like thatPrecociousTease: i may have spilled the beans to my mom about trippingobobgurubob: ROFL hows thatPrecociousTease: well we were baking cakePrecociousTease: and everyone was having minor halucinationsPrecociousTease: and i was like obobgurubob: hahaPrecociousTease: i halucinate all the time! thats probably why i tripped so hard!PrecociousTease: and i said it really loudPrecociousTease: and we don't have walls in my housePrecociousTease: and you can hear everything that anyone says from anywhere in the houseobobgurubob: ROFLPrecociousTease: so like... yeahPrecociousTease: hahahhaobobgurubob: i dunno bout that lolPrecociousTease: then my freinds were like obobgurubob: that is teh suq dudePrecociousTease: "yeah kira! you sure gall down alot!"PrecociousTease: and i was like "YEAH! I SURE AM CLUMSY!"PrecociousTease: it was horriblePrecociousTease: but also hilariousobobgurubob: hahahahPrecociousTease: pooobobgurubob: worst fucking save for that ever that everyone i know has used on multiple occasionsPrecociousTease: hahahhahahahaPrecociousTease: i don't want to go to sleep nowPrecociousTease: but i willPrecociousTease: for my mental healthPrecociousTease: this convo is going in my blogobobgurubob: hahaPrecociousTease: just by the wayobobgurubob: Word.PrecociousTease: hahaahahaPrecociousTease: we should hang out soonPrecociousTease: because you are an awsome fishobobgurubob: why is it going in blog?PrecociousTease: because i have been bloging lots about stevoobobgurubob: an awesome fish eh? not a spiral fish? or a devil? or a jew?PrecociousTease: and we talked about himPrecociousTease: hahahahahhahaPrecociousTease: you and june were not terrifying during the tripPrecociousTease: june was my comfort mountainobobgurubob: hahah sweetPrecociousTease: and you were an awsome fishPrecociousTease: but yesPrecociousTease: now i must goPrecociousTease: goodngiht!

i can't handle that shit... not at all..... i have to go have good dreams, excuse me please

Can broken hearts love?

2004-10-31T21:07:00.006-08:00

Can broken hearts still love?
are they like shoes
with soles that wear away with time
that after each rough patch
are that much closer to uniting your socks and the ground?

are they like mugs or glasses
that having been dropped
are forever full of cracks
that leak their contents onto the absorbant floor?

or are they strong and thick
like that leather coat
that was your grandfathers in his youth
and has come to you through generations of tireless abuse?

can broken hearts still love?
do they wear thin?
do they crack and leak?
or do they withstand the ages
with the sentiment and character accumulated through tests of their
durability?

can you tell which one i belive?

2004-10-31T21:07:00.005-08:00

why the fuck do i look so sad? i just caught a glimpse of myself in this huge glaring mirror next to my computer and i look like somone just shot my mom or something. i don't get it. i mean, i suppose today did suck a lot. my list, which was up to three is back down to one. i no longer have any romantic interest in the other two candidates for my fantasies. too bad. it was easier that way. then i could be like " i like everyone so this shit with (he who must not be named) [and of course thats stupid because only nathan knows of this blog] doesn't mean shit" of course, it doesn't actually mean shit. i don't know him. i've never hung out with him, and i probably never will know him, or date him, or have him think about me in any way other than 'yeah, i know that kira girl' if he even thinks of me at all. i really wouldn't be surprised if he didn't know my name. oooh, wouldn't that be embarassing. but all this shit with boys really isn't the reason why i'm upset. i mean, there's no denying that i'm upset. i am. my face says it all, accompanied by this unpleasant heavyness in the pit of my stomache which, despite what you might think, had nothing to do with the ton of sugar that i consumed instead of lunch. psh. im gonna go make some soup and tea. fuck. now to divulge (with great shame i might add) the full extent of my looserness. no, im not a geek, geeks are in. i am a full blown looser. don't deny it because you have no way of knowing. i have, in the past few days watched nothing but ella enchanted, buffy the vampire slayer, and lord of the rings. you might think that my obsession with lord of the rings would slightly excuse the others. there is where you would be wrong. i am ashamed to get such pleasure from these abominations in pop culture, but i can't help what i love any more than i can choose what the weather will be next week.

there, i confessed.
i washed my face. made some tast cream of potato soup from a can (cream of potato is my favourite) and some peppermint tea.
also i boiled some cloves and cinnamon to conver up the stench of my mildew-y room. oh well. i still feel sad
my cat can even tell that im sad. though if he knows why he hasn't said anything about it to me.
oh well. im gonna get back to this shitty movie... and eating.
peace

bah... shit sucks. heres a poem

2004-10-31T21:07:00.004-08:00

Would it really surprise you to know
that i spend some nights dreaming of death's dark arms
of the way they might encircle me and save me from this intollerable pain?

I thought it might.

You know it isn't right
that i have to tell you how i feel...
that you can't see the tears in my eyes
or even hear me when i cry

It sucks that i have to explain that i'm suffering
and even then you don't understand.
You don't want to, cause taking care of me fucks up your plans.

Fuck you
and i hope you die too,
maybe instead of me
or with me...

We could die together
then there would be no one left to mourn us.
The loss of two sweet souls;

Thats what they'd say anyway...

Cause after death people forget how much you sucked at life.
Once you're safely in a grave it won't matter,
No one will know about the rules you broke or the fact that you're a fucking joke

No one will know you at all;
not anymore,
or maybe the never did...

Some day I will stop being a person who is
and become a person who was,
if i was ever a person at all...

I hope you're there to watch me fall

You fucking prick

We are all innocent

2004-10-31T21:07:00.003-08:00

i decided today that i really like our lady peace, and painting my nails, and secretly wanting boys i can never have. im up to three now, by the way. I'm happy at this time in my life, allthough not at this exact second. I have a best freind again. a person that i love and want to be happy who im closer to than anyone else. He's sad right now.... so i'm sad. I wish that things could go right for him. that they could be beautiful and easy for a while. he deserves it. Nathan, fuck that shit. you are the most increadible person ever, so fuck deserving this pain.

hmmmm. at least i have a freind again, i mean, i know i have freinds. but there is a difference. i think that i will start posting all my poetry here..... in this blog. so that no one will ever read it ever.

fucking marco, inspires more hate poetry than you could imagine. but i think i'm gonna go and watch ella enchanted and feel bad about stuff.... or maybe sleep. that seems to be the trend now that im sick... fucking stuff.

They tell me that you're great...
i wish i could meet the person who has so much to give
and replace the you i so desperately hate
The say that you teach with a passion unbridled
and a skill unfathomable, but to me you're just a
fucking asshole
It never ceases to amaze me that being a dick to teens
is a job that pays

I bet this was your life's dream

2004-10-31T21:07:00.002-08:00

jesus christ i hate stuff.

marco... die in a fire
i can't belvie this shit. so lunch rocks because i talk to june and it turns out that everything is actually allright and none of the shit that i spent all fo yesterday freaking out about matters at all.
so then i get into college writing
im a minute late
i sit next to katy
marco says "i don't want you two sitting together"
we have never talked in class
ever
we haven't sat together before
we haven't been a distraction
and right off the fucking bat he moves us apart
so then im pissed
thats bad
me
pissed at my teachers
is about the worst thing in the entire world to have to deal with
both for me
and for them
so i decided instead of granting him my precious time
that i would just sleep through his class
shich i did
quite entirely
but fuck
now i hate him
like
i shouldn't probably
but he pulled his shit on the wrong fucking day
the rest of this quarter is going to be a living hell
i wish against wish that there was someway of me not being in that class
i would do almost anything
i need some fucking tea
im all pissed off now
and i have to do that essay still
and review for a math test
whoop-dee-fucking-doo
today is gonna end with another bout of great feelings
just like last night
i have no idea how i deal with hating school this much
somehow i do
so in closing
fuck tas
fuck marco
fuck kim
fuck alex
fuck wes
fuck the police

and fuck the fucking school system

may all of the above loose their genetalia in a freak smelting accident

2004-10-31T21:07:00.001-08:00

june decided... with the help of her fucking parents. that her misery is too much, and the solution is that she should disassociate with all of us.... all of us. meaning that i am included. she says to me... "i guess we're breaking up"
yeah... i guess we are. i guess we are fucking breaking up. what the hell is this! why the hell did i have to care. why does this have to hurt.

we were talking online and she says: i might not see you.... again.
and i was all WTF!?
and she told me all about
and we talked
and i cried alot
and then we said goodbye

that pretty much sums it up.
I sound like such a fucking hypocrite but i don't have what it takes to fucking deal with this. i don't have the energy left... im so tired of fucking trying. im so tierd of caring. of depending on people. people will always let you down. how silly of me to think that i could have a relationship that didn't explode in my face. how stupid of me to think that this time things would be different. it always seems so promising when its starting out... but its just a fucking bomb waiting to blow up in my face. just like it always is. i wonder if theres a way out of this fucking mine-feild. you might think that being a veteran of this kind of pain i would have learned my lesson......

i wonder. what happened to alex that made him so cold. this girl he claims to have loved. i can more than believe that it is the reason for why he is such a fucking cunt. but its so discusting to think that he, having felt that pain, could not care at all about doing the exact same thing to someone else. i fucking hate him. if the next time i see him is in a body bag on the news i won't shed a fucking tear. i know its closed minded and 'a bad way to be' hating and fearing what you don't understand... but this is the only feild in which that applies to me..... i can never understand heartless people... cruel people, people who don't care; and i hate them. whoop-dee-fucking-doo. just try and judge me for it....

i told alex i hate him. he was like "i don't have to fucking listen to this" he's right. but i thought he should know. the funny thing is that i feel bad. i feel bad for hating him for what he did to someone else. but its similar to me hating nazis for what they did to the jews in the holocaust. do i have a number tattooed on my wrist? did i watch my family get gunned down or gassed? no. but it happened to people i love.. and with all my being i hate the people that did it to them. so maybe alex isn't a nazi.... but he's a heartless bastard. i bet he doesn't even care that i hate him. i hope he does... i hope it cuts him deep. thats a futile hope. but i suppose thats what dreams are for.

i don't know. i hope marco cuts me some slack on this paper. i would have written it, and it would have been wonderful... but it just so happens that my girlfreind told me she never wanted to see me again. that messes you up a bit.

i don't know what to do. i would never take anything like this seriously. but i have keen fucking senses for shit like this. call it what you will... maybe my femanine intuition. its just like when nathan and grey and everyone would pull those tricks on me, i would feel like shit for them, but i would know.. i even saved those conversations, and within the first couple of lines of their crap. i would say something like "i don't want to be untrusting, but i feel like im being played" its that feeling that i have. even when i dream. i always know, deep down that its not real. with everything.... i always know. and this... i just felt that feeling. that unconfortable tingle in my 7th and 8th vertebrae, confirming that all is not well. that this is a real goodbye, not a see you later.

things will never be as good as they were before tonight... and thats horrible... because things fucking sucked.

2004-10-31T21:07:00.000-08:00

why
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why?